SOME OF MY FAVORITE RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE LINERS

By no means a definitive collection, just a few that always make me laugh when I Google him.
  1. "My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said 'Alright, you're ugly too!'"
  2. "I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'"
  3. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
  4. “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
  5. "I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."
  6. "My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."
  7. "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."
  8. "What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself."
  9. "I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it."
  10. "I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me."
  11. "If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
  12. "My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
  13. "My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
  14. "I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel."
  15. "A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, 'Man, I wish I had your willpower.'"