SOME OF MY FAVORITE RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE LINERS
By no means a definitive collection, just a few that always make me laugh when I Google him.
- •"My psychiatrist told me I'm crazy. I told him 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said 'Alright, you're ugly too!'"
- •"I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'"
- •“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
- •“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
- •"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."
- •"My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."
- •"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."
- •"What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself."
- •"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it."
- •"I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me."
- •"If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
- •"My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
- •"My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
- •"I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel."
- •"A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, 'Man, I wish I had your willpower.'"