@tothemaxxx didn't literally request this, but he may as well have.
  1. My grandma Zelda Arber is 100% Ukrainian Jewish, born to parents Irving and Dunya. As a child at her house in Berkeley, adjacent to the Rose Garden, I was plied with food the way anyone with a Jewish grandma would've been.
  2. Thusly, my father Michael is half-Jewish. His father Julian Boyd was whatever the male equivalent of a shiksa is. "Boyd" is Scottish.
  3. My mother is a mix of basically everything White except for Jewish, so I guess I'm only 1/4 Jewish.
  4. Since my mother's not Jewish, I'm pretty sure I'm not Jewish either, even though I got a little bit of the blood and also inherited the hair and the neuroses.
  5. I never had a bar mitzvah.
  6. No one in my family, for many generations, has ever celebrated any Jewish holiday or practiced the Jewish religion. I was raised by generations of atheists.
  7. Sometimes, socially, I pretend to be more Jewish than I am.