WHY I STOPPED WRITING POEMS AT THE BAR

  1. "YOU WRITIN' A NOVEL?"
    Yeah. It's called "This Guy at the Bar Should Mind His Own."
  2. "Oh, you write poetry? Do you know Billy Collins? I love Billy Collins."
    There's nothing too small for good ol BC to write about.
  3. "My aunt, she writes poetry. She's been published by Ploughshares! Do you know her? She's got a blog let me get you the U.R.L.!"
  4. "So are you, like, depressed or something?"
    I plead the fifth.
  5. "I've got a gay friend, y'all would be PERFECT. Want me to get him out here?"
    TBH this happens regardless of whether or not I'm writing poetry at the time. Big guy plus beard equals dude magnet apparently.
  6. "Wouldn't it be easier to write on your phone?"
    Wouldn't it be easier to mind your own?
  7. "So what do you REALLY do?"
    Believe it or not, the answer is even more depressing than "write poetry."
  8. "Hello, I'm former poet laureate of the United States Billy Collins. I heard you were making fun of me." *cracks knuckles.*