THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO EVERYONE ON THE MORNING YOU FLY TO YOUR COUSIN'S WEDDING

Right?
  1. 7:30 AM: SNOOZE - If you get up now, you can take your time packing and get to airport in plenty of time. But it's a weekday, so the security line won't be as long as everyone thinks. You'll be MUCH fresher with 30 more minutes of shuteye.
  2. 7:47 AM: GET UP - This is not worth it. You spent 10 mins trying to resume your dream, and 7 deciding how long it will take to pack. Traffic congestion will surely double in next 13 minutes. Decide its time to get moving.
  3. 7:48 AM: SEETHE - Roommate is showering. Fuck him. Although when you think about it, this is the time he always gets up and you are the one on the rogue schedule. Calm down and decide to start packing.
  4. 7:51 AM: DEBATE - pros and cons of bringing small amount of drugs on plane. Cons far outweigh pros. Decide to do it anyway. (See other list)
  5. 7:53 AM: KNOCK - on bathroom door. Routine be damned, you're not missing your flight because roommate needs to clip their nails under good light.
  6. 7:53 AM: APOLOGIZE - to roommate's girlfriend as she scuttles, soaking wet, back to his bedroom.
  7. 7:54 AM: REALIZE - as you look in the mirror that your mom is going to judge your hygiene and say you need to shave, get a haircut, that your shirt is dirty and that your weight has fluctuated since she last saw you. Also there is no time to shower. You'll blame your smell on the person sitting next to you on the plane.
  8. 7:56 AM: PAT - yourself on the back. You knew exactly what you needed to pack from the bathroom, including a razor (MOM), and remembered to grab your cell phone charger. You've definitely made up some minutes.
  9. 7:59 AM: PANIC - you lost minutes.
  10. 8:03 AM: THROW - clothes in a bag, as according to last night's itinerary, you needed to be out the door 2 minutes ago. An extra pair of pants is gratuitous but you pack it anyway- better safe than sorry. What did mom say was the dress code for the rehearsal dinner? Fuck it, you like to live on the edge. Pack every type of shirt you own.
  11. 8:11 AM: ABANDON - your plan to take public transportation to the airport. Just like your plan to exercise before work, you know you will never do this, but you don't accept it.
  12. 8:13 AM: CATCH - a cab. You own this town.
  13. 8:21 AM: REFLECT - on how amazing it is to live in New York. Miraculously, there's no traffic. As the skyline whizzes past your cab window, you feel like you're the star of the indie movie you've been meaning to write. Your life decisions feel like the right ones, as you think about your friends all clawing through the rat race. Anything is pos-
  14. 8:33 AM: FUCK - ing traffic! You were on the brink of being back on track, but now you are taking up permanent residence at Camp Panic.
  15. 8:45 AM: ARRIVE - at the airport. Something about arriving on a round number puts you at ease. You decide you're a baller and hit the 20% tip button when you pay instead of rounding down like usual. That this made you feel baller suddenly makes you feel poor.
  16. 8:51 AM: SCOFF - at the peasants in line to print their tickets. Don't they know they can pull it up on their phone? You just skipped 100 people in your estimation. You're a genius.
  17. 8:51 AM: REMEMBER - from the book you're reading that Steve Jobs was your age when he made the company that makes these phones. You are not a genius.
  18. 8:56 AM: JUMP FOR JOY - in your head. The security line isn't that bad. You were right all along.
  19. 9:17 AM: WALK - up in the line like, whatup, I've got...DRUGS IN MY BAG SHIT I FORGOT. Pray to God, to get you through this.
  20. 9:22 AM: UNCLENCH - butthole. Thank God for getting you through that.
  21. 9:23 AM: GET - annoyed putting belt back on.
  22. 9:26 AM: IMPRESS - yourself by knowing every celebrity on the cover of every magazine in Hudson News.
  23. 9:27 AM: FEEL - shame when you have absolutely zero interest in looking at a newspaper.
  24. 9:32 AM: FEEL - proud when you order a low-fat blueberry muffin instead of an egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts.
  25. 9:33 AM: FEEL - shame that you saw that as a dietary victory when there was actual fruit available.
  26. 9:36 AM: JUDGE - everyone at your gate.
  27. 9:56 AM: PULL - out Steve Jobs book, but first-
  28. 9:57 AM: INSTAGRAM
  29. 9:58 AM: SNAPCHAT
  30. 9:59 AM: TWITTER
  31. 10:00 AM: BOOM BEACH
  32. 10:01 AM: LINKED IN
  33. 10:02 AM: THE LIST APP
  34. 10:03 AM: FANTASY FOOTBALL
  35. 10:04 AM: TIME HOP
  36. 10:05 AM: VINE
  37. 10:06 AM: WEATHER
  38. 10:05 AM: INSTAGRAM
  39. 10:06 AM: BOARD - plane.