REASONS I WILL NEVER BE ELECTED TO ANY KIND OF OFFICE

I've been watching a lot of Scandal lately and every time they dig up someone's dirt I'm like "damn you wouldn't even have to dig to find mine"
  1. I'm an areligious heathen
    Possibly an exaggeration, but for real, I'm a woman without a religion. And for all the game we like to talk about separation of church and state, people like their politicians to have a religious affiliation (cough*preferably Christian*cough)
  2. I have inhaled
  3. While I have never been arrested, I was once escorted out of a White Sox game by security
  4. I have 2 tattoos
    Generally frowned upon in the pantsuit wearing world of congress
  5. There are published articles in my name about controversial issues
    Like abortion waiting periods, revenge porn legislation, and the early members of Destiny's Child.
  6. I was a teen in the time of MySpace and Xanga
    There is no doubt a social media post somewhere out in the world from before I knew anything about anything in which I made some sort of misguidedly anti-feminist comment thanks to the internalized misogyny of my small town upbringing. A troll would find it! And also probably pictures of me in glitter eyeshadow and pocketless jeans, which is equally damning.
  7. My browser history is a disaster
    I LOVE WIKIPEDIA PAGES FOR CONSPIRACY THEORIES