TIMES I SHOULD HAVE LOST MY DIGNITY BUT DID NOT

  1. The time I threw up in a Panera bread bowl, sober
    And was pissed I couldn't finish my broccoli cheddar soup.
  2. The time I threw up on a bar, sober
    However my exit out of this predicament was Oscar worthy
  3. The time I was at the beach wearing a bikini and these preteen boys mockingly whistled at me and when I was far enough away for them to not hear me I said loudly "have fun waiting for your balls to drop"
    Need some ice for that burn?
  4. The time I made out with a guy on the Fourth of July (outfit on fleak - themed but not campy) and when he said I have to go I got ballsy and asked if he wanted my number and he said "no thanks."
  5. The time a car stopped and called a guy I was making out with a pedophile because I was dressed up in sweats for a free weezy party and looked 11
    I will find a picture of my outfit from this night
  6. The time I watched the guy I was hooking up with get a blow job in the middle of campus at like, 9 PM
    And I still sent him thirsty texts that night
  7. The time I got pulled over twice in one day
    2 different states though.
  8. The time I cried during a movie theater birthday party watching the rugrats movie
    This should have been the initial inkling of my instability.
  9. The time I cried on the bench at a summer league basketball game because I was afraid I wouldn't make the travel team in the fall
    There's no crying in basketball.
  10. The time I was at a sleepover and the bitchy public school girl tricked me into eating fish food
    Fuck her. Seriously.
  11. The time I attempted to car surf, fell down, cracked my head open in the chick fil a parking lot and had a black eye and one eyebrow that wouldn't move for the longest time
    Just to be clear, the car wasn't moving when I fell off.
  12. The time I laughed so hard at the Lizzie McGuire movie I spit soda on the girl in front of me
  13. The time in grade school when I dropped communion, accidentally stepped on it, then felt so evil I picked it off the bottom of my shoe and ate it
    Gotta love the pure catholic guilt.
  14. The time the dental hygienist didn't laugh when my answer to "how often do you floss your teeth?" Was "whenever I eat corn on the cob."
    That's funny shit.
  15. The time I got chosen to be quail kid at Disney world during the Doug play so I got called up on stage and when the man asked me my name I started to cry and said I want my mom
    My big line? "I believe in you Quailman"
  16. The time I threw up on myself while driving
    Got off 295, stopped at a McDonald's, cleaned myself and got a breakfast meal
  17. The time I asked my grandma to cut my hair like Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama
    I do not have her cheekbones.
  18. The time I texted a guy asking him to go to prom with me and he didn't respond
    Texting was still relatively new at the time.
  19. The time I met up with a guy thinking it was a date but he ended up telling me about the girl he boned the night before
    Spoiler alert: it wasn't a date. It did, however, end with us getting matching OCNJ t shirts!
  20. The time I read the girl babysitting me when I was like, 11, and except from one of my fan fictions.
    This still haunts me to this day.
  21. The time I dreamt I was eating a marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone!
    Kidding but isn't this a great joke?! It was once told to me by a 5 year old.