My Areas of Expertise

  1. Eating while going to the bathroom
    Days free of E Coli: 7265
  2. Choosing radio stations no one else wants to listen to
    What, you don't like reggaeton?
  3. Saying things in a way that make people suspect I'm just trying to sound smart
    I'm not trying to sounds smart, I'm trying to one-up you
  4. Making impromptu trash bags
    I just want to be tidy while I destroy the earth with my clutter
  5. Dressing like a high school intern
    If you just throw a buttoned shirt on top of that t-shirt and jeans, it's office wear
  6. Smelling okay even if I'm sweating a lot
    The secret is deodorant, like at least five swipes in the pits
  7. Making connections between things people do care about to things people don't
    Typically, people care about as much as they care about the second thing
  8. Spending obscene amounts of time on my phone before getting in the shower
    Nothing as inspiring as the imminent demise of my body filth