Favorite Causes of Cancer

  1. 1.
    Cured meats
    Non-meat eaters typically cite this as the part of meat eating they miss. Totally worth colo-rectal anything
  2. 2.
    Sugar
    Not totally sure it's directly linked to cancer but will definitely kill you & soon will be directly linked to cancer. Nothing enjoyable or essential is safe.
  3. 3.
    Red meat
    You mean to tell me you'd rather live a few years longer, but not get to enjoy lamb chops or Korean BBQ? I'll take my filet with a side of chemo, please.
  4. 4.
    Air
    It's unavoidable & full of particles & free radicals that will kill you. Only other option is a bubble. Free radicals sound like free spirit fundamentalists. I'd prefer totally unnoticeable microscopic carcinogens to a free spirit fundamentalist.
  5. 5.
    Cellphones
    Fuck, we're all gonna die anyway... Who really wants to talk face to face?
  6. 6.
    TV
    Does the radiation from tv really give you cancer or is that a lie our parents told us to get us to read books?
  7. 7.
    Smoking
    I had to quit when I was 20 bc I started to realize I'm allergic to smoke, but then years later had an anxiety attack over the thought of never getting to have a cigarette ever again. The lack of freedom will kill you, but so will the freedom.
  8. 8.
    Booze
    I stopped drinking to black out for reasons other than terminal illness, but the fun times of a drunk are so powerfully fun that your brain won't let you remember them & your body rejected it entirely.
  9. 9.
    Artificial flavor a & colors
    Fuck you if you don't like funfetti cake & diet soda, but it'll probably kill you if you did consume it, sooooooooo......
  10. 10.
    Sun
    A convenient excuse for shut-ins to stay inside. If spending the day hiking & going to the beach will fry my skin & kill me thus negating the health benefits of exercise, stress relief & vitamin D then suck on vitamin deez nutz!