Ideal Circumstances for Going to the Movies

  1. No line
    I refuse to wait in line for anything. Even boarding a plane, I'll just wait til everyone has finished boarding. Waiting in line also means...
  2. No packed theaters
    A long line is a good indication the theater will be packed. I can't do it. It's not a claustrophobia thing. Full houses contain people who don't know how to behave in public, let alone during the public showing of a film
  3. Reclining seats
    Can't wait til theaters have seats that turn into beds like in First Class on airplanes
  4. Food & Beverage service
    Sounds like it could be annoying, but it's actually the best. Ask anyone who's ever been to Alamo Drafthouse or Nitehawk in Brooklyn.
  5. Replace prescreen commercials with videos and short films pertaining to the feature
    Nitehawk in Brooklyn does this. Can't even begin to describe how much this enhances the movie going experience. Went to see Spring Breakers there & they showed weird Harmony Korrine interviews & shorts with Britney Spears videos in between.
  6. Being alone in the theater with whoever's joining you
    A packed house can provide a palpable experience when it comes to reactions and so forth, but the more people in the theater increases the chances of some fuck boi being in there yelling shit out to make his friends laugh or a group who doesn't know theater etiquette. Also, hand jobs.
  7. Hand jobs
    I got my first hand job at an AMC theater when I went to go see Enemy Of The State. It was a packed theater on a Friday night & have no idea if anyone else saw, nor do I care. Was a pretty great experience until I went home & my parents suspected I was high on marijuana (I was)
  8. Lax ushers for bringing in outside food/bev
    Don't force me to buy Dasani water. Water shouldn't have ingredients in it. I get theaters make their money from the concessions, but the options are so limited. What if I want Smoked almonds & artisan cream soda instead of stale popcorn & flat soda? Just be cool about it.