I have been thinking about the past a lot lately and I have come to terms with many things I can't change. My mental state is probably at its best which isn't great for most people but is just fine for me. If you are sensitive to sexual assault don't read any more.
- •Id like to say that my life is completely my own and that all of the past I'm letting go of is filled with poor outfit choices and teen angst.Trust me there were plenty of those things as well.
- •But there were moments. Moments I shouldn't have remembered and certainly don't want to remember where my life wasn't my own.There is so much debate on sexual assault and you don't have to agree with my opinions or the way I coped and you can even tell me "it's your fault you were drunk" because many many people have but nothing anyone says will change the past.
- •To the men who assaulted me:
- •I forgive you.The first was 17. You probably didn't realize the gravity of what you were doing. You probably had no idea that your idea of getting me drunk and taking my virginity was rape. You probably didn't realize that in college I failed a test because I noticed you were in my class and my anxiety took over. I couldn't stop shaking even 4 years later. I never considered telling the truth because I didn't want to ruin your life over one bad decision. I hope you appreciate that some day.
- •I pray I was the only one. A moment of bad judgement.The second was 20. You were sober. You lied to my friends and said you were taking me home. I still have panic attacks during sex sometimes and can hear you laugh as you said "good morning" when I became conscious enough to realize you were raping me. I still don't know how many times you did. I didn't tell the girl you were dating, even when you came up to me in front of her. I hope you were ashamed. I hope you were thankful that I'm a better person than you.
- •I don't hate you.The third was my best friend. We had been friends since 3rd grade. My BF tried to warn me about you. I wish I would have listened. I wish I could tell myself we were both drunk and you don't remember but you bragged to our friends immediately. I wish you realized why I cringed last time I saw you. I know you don't because you followed me around in front of your girlfriend asking what happened to our friendship. I know you did the same thing to one of my female friends you dated in high school.
- •I'm letting go:Of the pain you caused me. Of the idea that I wasn't worthy of love. Of the idea that I deserved what happened to me. To any memory of you, including the details that I was sure were burned into my brain. I'm letting go and I truly believe that in time I will forgot I ever met you.
- •You didn't take anything from me.I'm happier than I was before you. I found someone that loves me even knowing what you've done to me. I'm moving forward with my life and some day you will all be a very distant memory.
- •I don't wish you will rot.Although I have a feeling you might. Holding onto anger will only hurt me. I'm rather confident you convinced yourself what you did was just fine and that I wanted it. You probably won't ever question your own actions or the effect they had.
- •I won't take ownership of others misconceptions.I don't care what people classify as sexual assault. It could have been worse. I know it could have been much worse. It could have been people I didn't know. I know you manipulated my trust. It could have been by force. Some people have it much worse. I feel for people who are wrongfully accused but I also feel for those who are shamed for being the victim of a horrible human impulse.
- •To anyone who has been where I've been: (men and women)I hope you find peace. I hope you find happiness. I hope you find a healthy love. I hope you see your worth. I hope you see yourself through your own beautiful eyes and not the distorted view of others. I hope you aren't ashamed. I know you are strong.