MORE THOUGHTS ON FORGIVENESS

I still have to laugh at myself when I think about certain people because the hurt is still there. Maybe you don't recover from a broken friendship as quickly as a broken heart.
  1. My heart will probably always be sad at your memory.
    It's strange to think I wanted to plan my bridesmaid dresses to hide your scars and you won't ever meet the man I'm actually going to marry. It's strange that he has seen the damage you've done. It's strange that he's the one who replaced you.
  2. I still haven't found another human who sees me like you did.
    There is a huge part of me that will never be understood by another human. It's strange you still keep those parts of me.
  3. I wonder if people know you as Elaine.
    I bet no one even calls you Nikki anymore. I wonder if people call you Cole without realizing that you used to hate it. I wonder if the new you hates it? I wonder if the new you even remembers the old you.
  4. I wonder who threw away our letters first.
    We wrote to each other to stop the suicidal thoughts. She wrote to avoid cutting. I wrote to avoid crying in public. It only worked sometimes. I lived for our letters and so did she. Maybe that's why I still have such a hard time hand writing letters to other people. It took me years and still my mother had to throw the box away. I still haven't had the strength to delete the pictures.
  5. I wonder if it bothers you anymore.
    I will never forget sitting up in bed when I received a text from you for the first time in over a year. I won't forget Tyler waking up to me completely inconsolable. I wonder if you realized the weight that message had. I wonder if you will ever know the hurt I felt when I called you for help and you told me we shouldn't speak anymore. Did you wonder how many pills I swallowed after you hung up?
  6. I wonder if you still check on me.
    Like I used to check on you. I wonder if the last cut I know of was truly your last cut. I wonder if you're happy. I wonder where you are in life. I don't look. I wonder if you realize I'm still alive or if you care? I wonder if you've guessed how many suicide attempts happened in your absence. I wonder if you felt the loss like I did.
  7. I wonder if you graduated.
    You always had so much trouble in school. I wonder if you ever made it through or if you got kicked out like they threatened. I hope you didn't.
  8. I wonder if your dad is still abusive.
    I still don't regret protecting you from him. I still don't regret getting rid of all of his razors. I bet he's happy I'm not around. I bet he still hits your mom. I bet she still loves him. I bet you do too.
  9. I hope your scars are fading.
    And that you aren't making new ones. I hope you aren't drowning out your feelings with liquor. I hope you aren't letting boys take advantage of you like I did.
  10. I still wish for your happiness.
    I hope you find it. I hope you find someone who will love you and accept you for your past. I hope you find someone who will look at your scars and see the strength within you not the weakness. I hope you find someone to love you like I did. To protect you when you need to be saved from yourself. Who doesn't absent mindedly keep razors in the garage. Who knows that healthy is relative and keeps you that way.
  11. I wonder if I will ever forgive you.
    I want to. I want to be able to see you and not feel the overwhelming sadness I still feel when I think of you. I want to be able to watch spongebob and not think about turning the volume loud to cover your sobs. I want to be able to watch finding nemo without thinking of the tattoo that ended your cutting and our friendship. I want to be able to eat Rita's Swedish fish without wanting to vomit because that shit was delicious.
  12. I wonder if some day I will forget you.
    I don't think I ever could. No one will ever know me like you know me. I don't think anyone will ever know you like I know you. I don't think our paths will ever cross again so in 50 years will I even remember?
  13. I wonder if some day you will forget me.
    Perhaps you already have.