I just really despise having unintended contact with the ground.
  1. After misjudging my approach to a "jump" while riding my pink Huffy, down the street from my house (really just an irregularity in the cement). Age 6.
    Outcome: scraped knee
  2. Barreling out the front door wearing nothing a diaper and a dismal sense of control over my limbs. Tripped down the concrete stairs and face planted. Age 3.
    Outcome: Tooth through lip and 3 stitches
  3. While blacked out wearing 4 inch heels scream singing Ke$ha on the dance floor. Age: 💃🏻
    Outcome: Being that girl
  4. After losing the battle for balance during an unstable dismount of my Vespa in a VONS parking structure, dropping the scooter and then falling on top of it, in a pathetic heap. Age: Too recent / too painful
    Outcome: SCRATCHES ON THE PAINT 😩 And some asshole laughing at me.
  5. Every time I have ever roller-skated, ever. It's not that I'm uncoordinated, it's just that -- how do those things even WORK??
    Outcome: Surprisingly painful bruises and a lack of trust in wheeled objects
  6. (NC-17 Warning) During a tryst with an overly enthusiastic partner, I was actually thrust OFF the bed and found myself midair with only enough time to stick both arms out in front of me before slamming directly into the wall and collapsing in a pile of confusion, on the hardwood floor. Age: 28
    Outcome: Deleted his number
  7. Lived in a second story apartment with roommates. Trying to leave for the weekend on a roadtrip, realized we were locked out of the house! Insult to injury? Car keys were inside house. Decided to try and scale building to get in through open kitchen window. Got to window, tried to swing in, Diesel jeans too tight, fell 2 stories. Age: 21
    Outcome: First broken bone, first ambulance ride, first encounter with hot firefighters