WAYS TO ACCIDENTALLY GET BANNED FROM LYFT BY FREAKING YOUR DRIVER THE F-OUT
I'm sorry, "Michael," wherever you are...I love you and still need your services.
- •See list description. You're already half-way there!
- •Rush out to greet your driver in a very "Marissa-Tomei-Rehab-Escapee-Flagging-down-truck-driver-in-Slums-of-Beverly-Hills/ Christine-Baranski-in-one-shot-from-Bowfinger" kind of way, without intending to, or wearing an outfit even remotely resembling either. Also, do not be nearly as good-looking.
- •Sit in back seat, because you feel like it.
- •Give overly-precise directions to your relatively-close destination by force of habit and basic desire for things to "just move along."
- •Once planned route is hastily under-way, begin rummaging through one of your 4 purses. Doesn't matter which one. This is done so calmly as to deny all suspicions of "performativity," but it's kinda "on you" to already be aware that 4 purses will freak anyone out, especially when you're just not going that far.
- •While keeping your sunglasses on and all the hair you have in the world in front of your face, slowly remove a 30ft-long, neatly-coiled 1/4-in - XLR audio cable and meticulously-examine it for defects. Hold it up to the on-coming sunlight; make its presence known in the rear-view mirror; run your hands over it casually while gazing out the window.
- •Appear to, and in reality be, oblivious to all this until your ride is complete.
- •Tip slightly too-well because you're either in a hurry or bad at math or both.
- •Write a list about it later that will somehow come back to haunt YOU, in return.