This is a very living list as I am always finding more!!! The prince of Twitter @arzE
  1. i am 2 gentlemanly 2 celebrate halloween anymore, but tonight at a fine french restaurant i might drink red wine with fish as a spooky prank
  2. earlier this year, I was at a bar and the DJ played Gangnam Style into Harlem Shake. I felt so pleased. It was springtime in my heart.
    ...but I knew that moment might also cause me pain. as the leaves change, I sit in my Vermont crib, sip maple syrup & think of that night
  3. i don't think all tweets in october need 2 be spooktacular but they certainly shouldn't be joyful or soothing
  4. my existential angst level just went from Seth Cohen to Leonard Cohen
    ideally, one should hover around Sacha Baron Cohen level on the Cohen Scale
  5. they call me K-Cool. i send texts like "k cool"
  6. I pretend 2 look at the wine list rly hard and then just order the second cheapest one. U can apply this technique to anything
  7. ur watching old Naruto, I'm eating aged prosciutto
  8. you're not rich til they got "your name + Jewish" up in the top google searches
    you're not a real actor til u got "your name + gay" in ur top google searches. for actresses, "your name + feet"
  9. it's rly difficult 2 express a negative worldview via Instagram. i'm impressed by people who can pull it off - true artists
  10. perhaps Generation Selfie needs to take a good hard look at itself in the mirror
  11. I'm going to buy a Babar jacket. NOT a Barbour jacket, just a jean jacket w/ a big-ass Babar airbrushed on the back
  12. saw some philosophy grad students at the library. went over and said, "yo, what's good?" big mistake
    I've had so many weird interactions with grad students at the library. I could write a dissertation on it...oh shit, that's how they get u!
  13. yesterday was April Fools Day. couldn't trust nothing/nobody. the world was full of lies and deceit. Today - what's different?
  14. haters thought Americans couldn't hang with thick-ass Greek yogurt. they thought we were close-minded fools but who's uncultured now?
    Stop, let me get a good look at it/ So thick, now I know why they call it a Fage
  15. I went to school with James Totino, pizza roll heir....good guy
  16. looking at presidents' b-days. there's never been in a born-in-the-30s president & prob never will. McCain was the last hope. harsh decade!
  17. love "Angels We Have Heard on High" cuz it switches languages ("in excelsis deo") - similar to "hey sexy lady" part of Gangnam Style
  18. in December I change my ringer from vibrate to MARIAH CAREY X-MAS SONG. 2day it rang at the library. The grad students were loving it
    one librarian scowled but when I left I wrote "library should be FUN" on a post-it & put it on her monitor. The grad students were loving it ... wow just got a text from one of the grad students - "nice work at library 2day. We were loving it"
  19. main squeeze, secondary squeeze, tertiary squeeze
    if u got more than 3 squeezes...smh...u will get...squished
  20. One of my life goals is to hold a skull belonging to a great man of antiquity. I would settle for someone B-list like Pliny the Younger
  21. it's weird how you can't really say "For your information" anymore without sounding snotty, but saying "FYI" is relatively neutral
  22. back in the 60s, u couldn't even buy hummus in the "ethnic section." they were selling macaroni in the ethnic section!
    u could buy humans in this country b4 u could buy hummus
  23. Is it more goth 2 use a black band-aid or 2 leave the wound exposed?
    Suggested by @lesleyann
  24. U say "I don't give a fuk" but u merely desire 2 not give a fuk. When ur last fuk is truly given, a wave of silent euphoria will wash over u
    Suggested by @jazzdcurlyfries
  25. do high school foreign language textbooks have sections on texting yet? u won't make any friends abroad if u text like an abuela