EXCERPTS FROM THE HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION SPEECH I WROTE WHEN I WAS ON VICODIN

I graduated high school with a pompous attitude and a gross misunderstanding of A Tale of Two Cities. We had a speech contest that I thankfully did not enter but when I got my wisdom teeth out and took my first prescription painkillers I decided it'd be a great idea to write what I would have entered and email it to my mom at 3am. Enjoy.
  1. "'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.' For some reason, these past four years have felt eerily similar to Charles Dickens' depiction of revolutionary Paris in A Tale of Two Cities. It really has kind of felt like A Tale of Two High Schools."
  2. "It's a dark and dreary place where you never can predict who will be the next one to get the guillotine... High school takes no prisoners."
  3. "But I didn't come here to compare and contrast all the good and bad things about high school, because that's boring and pretty stupid."
  4. "I also didn't come here to talk about how we should all remember the great times and lifelong friends, or how much we've changed, or how truly insignificant these years really are to our lives as a whole. Because, frankly, that's also boring...and pretty stupid."
  5. "When I began writing this speech, I knew exactly what I DIDN'T want to talk about. Nothing that'd been done before, nothing corny, and nothing cliche. I wanted to give you guys something fresh, new, and real. But, in the end, I found myself left with a whole lot of nothing."
  6. "I'm not giving to try and give you and meaningful advice, because... Who am I to give ANY of you advice? Yesterday, I wore my shirt backwards and inside out without noticing. I also recently got in a very heated argument about who was better: Backstreet Boys or NSYNC."
  7. "So here I am. Still talking about all the things I'm not going to say. I should probably get to the point or else G-Mac is going to tell Mr. Cincotta to start playing the Oscar music."
    Our principal was named Dr. Giourard-McCann but everyone called her G-Mac. We were SO white.
  8. "I know a lot of people like to rank on who dumb high school is, but it is really important for all of us."
  9. "I'm gonna wrap it up (FINALLY! Right?) and bring it back to that novel we read way back in freshman year, although I'm sure most of us SparkNoted it... I'll fess up to it, Charles Dickens was pretty brutal."
  10. "I hope you all get a chance to think the same thoughts as Sydney Carton did at the end of A Tale of Two Cities. I mean, I certainly don't want any of you to volunteer to be executed, but you know what I mean."
  11. "We're such a talented and passionate grade, let's become legendary! Embark on that new adventure of your dreams and live for the moment where you think to yourself, 'It is a far, far better thing that I do now, than I have ever done before.'"
  12. "Thanks guys, let's get the rest of this thing over with."