1. I have a dog that also cleans my apartment
  2. Every show is as good as Season 4 of "30 Rock"
  3. Every movie has a musical number
  4. All bars are quiet, well-lit, and full of comfortable seating
  5. My sweat smells like rosemary and mint
  6. My hair dries naturally like an Olsen twin
  7. Everyone has perfect eyebrow maintenance, always
  8. All restaurants have endless pasta bowls for $9.99, not just Olive Garden
  9. I can teleport
  10. No football