🚨PERSONAL LIST ALERT🚨: I'M STILL VERY CONFUSED ABOUT A SITUATION I HAD WITH A DUDE 3 YEARS AGO?

What was happening here?!?! Idk?! Do you guys have answers? ?? I didn't have any real relationship experience to go off of, so this felt normal to me? Until it didn't. People on this app know this dude IRL and honestly like IDGAF! Whatever!!!! This is the honest, factual facts without editorializing
  1. We met and I was honestly pretty actively annoyed by him?
    We were working working together the beginning of senior year in college and he was OBNOXIOUS and i was over it from the beginning
  2. But then he started talking to me ALL THE TIME
    Messages and messages every single day. I was going to go through our conversations to cite for this list but there were 15,000 messages to comb through, NOPE. I felt like I barely knew him but he was really into talking to me? We had the same sense of humor? Lots of references and links, which is just how to woo me. I was like huh okay
  3. Then we started hanging out in groups a lot
    Drankin, etc. w/ da crew. But then the night would end and everyone would go their separate ways except for he would insist on walking me home and as the weather got colder he would give me his coat. Maybe just being a nice guy? I started to get a crush on him. It was the first time I'd felt that since high school, I'd had hookups etc. in college but never anyone I actually cared about and felt like actually really cared about me (that second part was a true first)
  4. These walks kept getting longer
    Like we'd stand outside of my building for 1 hour+ just talking before I went inside. Also he lived the opposite direction of me, this was v out of his way. Does that matter?
  5. It started getting really cold so I would invite him inside to my apartment
    Listen I am an introvert borderline hoarder loner, most of my friends never set foot in this apartment so that was a big deal to me. To me this was very clearly making a move. But then we'd sit on my bed and talk more and then he'd leave. Talks not just about random stuff but about family, life, desires for the future, etc. During these talks he'd sometimes ask, why don't you date so and so? Is that something guys say when they like you to assess? Or does it mean he definitely didn't like me?
  6. One time I was drunk and went to the bathroom and then fell in my bathtub and ripped down my shower curtain SO YOU CANT SAY IT WASNT SEXY
  7. Before you say, sounds like he's probably in the closet, I PROMISE HE'S STRAIGHT AF
    Normally this would be my conclusion as well but he was like, wore gym shorts and a baseball hat every day straight. Used a PC straight. Loved Macklemore straight. (I know these things don't actually mean someone is straight, but trust me he was)
  8. Also he didn't have zero experience and not know what to do?
    Had been in serious relationships before
  9. He also always asked me to do like on campus stuff with him like attend our events and shit and would tag along with me and my friends
    They were like, wtf
  10. Then we started just hanging out. Dating?
    Not sure who initiated it first but we would go to dinner and lunches together, etc. He would pay. We went on thrift store and dollar store outings. They felt like dates to me? Again, he would pay and I would let him.
  11. I got up the courage to invite him to my sorority formal
    This was a BIG deal for me even if it seems small. Normally I don't acknowledge boys unless they're already kissing my face. We went together and had a lot of fun. I may have said I wanted to go as friends bc I was dumb but I don't fully remember. Afterward he walked me home and came over but then we just talked and he left again.
  12. Then we had just gotten back from Thanksgiving Break
    Where we had still been messaging and texting every day for long stretches of time consistently since like August. We went out with my friend bc he had third wheeled us to a campus event as usual and then after he was like, hey wanna come over and hang out? I have Thanksgiving leftovers (a true way to a girl's heart)
  13. I went to his house
    And he made himself a bowl of leftovers (turkey and ice cream in a bowl together, what was I thinking?) and was like hey let's watch a movie, so we went to his room to watch a movie? This is a classic move right?!?!
  14. So we were watching a movie
    Wreck-It Ralph, so it was v. sexy. And we were on his bed (twin size bed btw) and he was like "hey u should put your head on my chest, it's rly comfy" (actually said this!!!!!) and of course I was down. So I did. But then we just like watched the movie and fell asleep?
  15. I woke up there
    And he gave me water and a gummy vitamin which was the best! Then we kind of dozed and hung out talking more, and then he was like do you mind if I watch football?! And I was like SURE and watched football with him until 3pm that day, and then I left. And on my way home I like punched some trees because that's when I knew I really was falling for him
  16. So then after that it was more of the same
    Walks, kind of dates?, etc.
  17. Then winter break came
    And he lived like 2 hrs away from me in another state, but we had still talked about hanging out over break. So over break he drove 2+ hours to my dad's house to get dinner with me and see Les Mis (he paid for both). Would a platonic straight dude friend do this? Then he slept on my couch and I slept on the couch next to him? I think? The next morning it was his birthday. I gave him a drawing I made as a gift. I think he went to Boston to see other friends that night
  18. After break was just our same patterns
    And I never made any moves because I am paralyzed by fear and rejection. And I definitely wouldn't tell him about my feelings for him!!!! Would have rather vomited. I was 21 but had the love experience of a 13 year-old at this point. Now I'd say I'm like a 16 year-old. Hey guys I'm single now so if you're interested in a real moody and closed book hmu!!!
  19. I asked him to another sorority formal (the day b4 Valentine's Day)
    He took a weirdly long time to answer this time. But we went and had fun again and FYI at this one I looked especially GOOD. But it was a repeat of our same ways. I also saw him at a bar on actual Valentine's the next day and he made fun of my outfit which was like lame af but also maybe flirty? We made fun of each other a lot, mostly me toward him
  20. Then like things kind of fizzled?
    Not necessarily fizzled but it just didn't feel the same even though it was the same? I felt like now that it was like March of senior year it was too late to make anything substantial happen. But then he texted me heavily all of Spring Break so it kind of felt back on?
  21. After Spring Break we had our annual carnival
    We hung out 1-on-1 for like a whole day, then played pong at his place and laughed cuz this other guy there was hitting on me hard. I was drunk but he may have mentioned hooking up w/ some girl recently but I chose to selectively hear that bc I was drunk and sad. Also I didn't own his dick. Then we went to the concert together just us. Then we went to do different stuff that night (aka he went to meet this new girl)
  22. Shortly after this I was at a bar with him and a group and he got up to talk to some guy and then the guy came over and I was like, how do you guys know each other?
    And the guy was like, oh I'm a friend of his girlfriend. Oh.
  23. I reacted to this pretty HORRIBLY
    Got huffy and stormed out? May have told him have a nice life? I didn't own his dick but I did feel like I owned his heart. Girlfriend was a lot to take.
  24. Was I a side piece?
    I felt like he had been giving his emotional self to me for so long and now was giving the rest of himself to someone else? Maybe I'm off base? He had just started dating this girl like 2 days before I found out about her
  25. So after I acted like a child for 3 days we hung out as a group again
    And I told him I was upset because he and I were such good FRIENDS and I was hurt that he didn't tell me he was dating someone because we were FRIENDS. Any chance he bought this? He acted like he did and then we were "good" (but I was still heartbroken and pretending to be okay)
  26. So then graduation came and I was depressed the whole time
    I look terrible in my graduation photos cause of this, thanks a lot. But then during graduation festivities I found out he and his gf broke up because they were graduating? Me finding out they were dating was literally 2 weeks prior. So they dated for 2.5 weeks total. Their relationship is like ??!?! to me still. So idiot me is like, great I'm back in
  27. So right after graduation was my birthday
    So he drove to Massachusetts 2+ hours again to get dinner with me and hang out with my friends at my dad's condo on a golf course in the suburbs on my birthday. Then he slept on my couch and I definitely slept in my room and ate a cupcake in bed. He told me "you're the best" and I said "I know" and threw a pillow at his face. That's when I really knew things were just done
  28. Except did I?!?!?!
    Because even after graduation we kept up our constant communication. He was still in our college town and I went back to visit twice and we were right back where we were before each time. I went to the bar with all our friends but we would just stand by ourselves talking to only each other (we did this A LOT). I found out he got a job offer in a city pretty close to where I was living and was really into the idea of making things work then (ugh)
  29. Then I visited again for our carnival again
    Had a terrible experience with edibles where I thought I was gonna die, then met him at a bar later that day. I may have had a drug induced awakening bc when I saw him I didn't want to be around him at all anymore and I made my friend come meet us bc I couldn't take it. Then it was really done.
  30. Then we talked less and less often. Now we haven't spoken in a year.
    Sometimes I miss it because he was just a very constant companion but ultimately I know this is a very GOOD thing
  31. I honestly left a lot of other examples of our weird couple/non couple behaviors out of this story bc there's just too many to sift through. This was an overview.
  32. So what was this? Anything? Was he into me and then he wasn't? Did he just give up? Did I give up? Was it never anything?
    This is the closest I've ever been to being in love. There was definitely a time I was in love with him I think. Was it just an unrequited crush? I don't think so? Am I wrong?
  33. So I'm not sure if this applies here but I tell myself it does, but I think a lot of dudes have definitely been attracted to me (bc my personality be bangin and i have deep blue eyes in line w/western beauty standards and also i can tell from their vibes) but then don't act on it bc they don't want to be with a fat/phat girl
    Like they're like damn I'm into her but she is fat I can't be into that bc society!!!! Maybe I'm way off base here. But like I struggle finding other explanations here. He had a super bro roommate who introduced him to his new ~girl~ and was also rude to me when I went to his house and the dude told me it was bc "he doesn't know how to talk to girls he doesn't want to have sex with" (???) So I wonder if living w/ this vibe was a factor? Idk this could just be my insecurity talking
  34. But he was also always so nice to me
    Honestly treated me the best out of any straight man I've known. Also gave wonderful compliments and genuinely wanted to hear what I had to say. But like am I making excuses when in reality he treated me bad bc I was like his secret non lover? He made me feel really special and safe but then also maybe kind of used me? Did he use me? Idk!!!!!
  35. I have no idea what this was!!!!!
    Sometimes I want to reach out to him, should I? Probably not? Maybe I should just write a list and not tell him about it like a grown up?! I wonder how he's doing. I'm over it now but I could be back under it again if I wanted to be.
  36. And hey dude, if for some weird reason you read this, would love to know the 411 from your perspective! Thx!!
    I still have very positive feelings toward you overall! I think?
  37. Also publishing this list makes me feel very vulnerable and scared
    And yet here I am