1. Are you seeing anyone?
    I would tell you the answer to this without being asked if I felt it was any of your business.
  2. When/how did you lose your virginity?
    Does anyone feel good when asked this? Either you haven't yet and you feel shamed or you're forced to recall what was most likely a very awkward experience. I "lost my virginity" under traumatic and dark circumstances and I'm sick of being told that it holds any significance. Do men ask each other this question nearly as much? Virginity is an imagined concept used to punish women anyway.
  3. Oh, you do comedy? Do you know ____________?
    Insert name of super successful comedian or their friend who took an improv class once
  4. Did you watch the game last night?
    What are you even talking about?
  5. Is Diet Pepsi okay?
    Like no it's fucking not but I'll take it anyway
  6. The guac is extra, is that okay?
    Chipotle employees seem as exhausted with asking this question as I am with having to answer it, change your corporate policy Chipotle we all know it's extra by now
  7. What's your favorite show?
    Be more specific please. My favorite show for what? This answer requires spreadsheets of analysis based on a variety of factors
  8. How do you feel about Bernie Sanders?
    I feel like after the person asking me this has posted 20 #feelthebern links on Facebook, I'm allowed to feel my feelings about him without having to discuss it
  9. Any question that begins with "Aren't you" or "Don't you think"
    I take these the same as people saying "If I were you" which I respond to how Kanye taught me: "When someone says 'If I were you' stop them and say, 'Well, you aren't.'"