REAL HEADLINES IN MY FACEBOOK NEWS FEED TODAY, RANKED BY MY INTEREST IN THEM

  1. 1.
    It's Time for the Dumpling Emoji
    It really fucking is
  2. 2.
    Move Over Santacon, Here Comes Santanacon
    Yes
  3. 3.
    Zendaya's Pants Are Bigger Than Yours
    Doubtful but I'd like to see
  4. 4.
    Should a broke 24-year-old 'prostitute himself' for $3,000?
    Do what you want dude, my opinion doesn't matter, live your life, that's what I say
  5. 5.
    Putting Timothy Olyphant in a silly Santa hat only makes him more menacing
    I believe you and I don't need any more information
  6. 6.
    Why Canada is banning microbeads
    Probably because of the environment? My best guess. Not gonna find out though.
  7. 7.
    Zayn Malik Keeps Surprising Us
    Does he though?
  8. 8.
    Lo Bosworth Has Bad News for You About Sriracha
    K