STANDARDS WE LADIES MUST ALL HOLD OURSELVES TO

You're welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  1. Eat pizza!!!!!!
    You love pizza and junk food!!!! Salad and green juice is for dopes!!! You don't subscribe to that stupid stuff!!!
  2. Be skinny af
    In spite of your diet, you're super skinny!!! But not so skinny that you're one of those bony chicks who probably has an eating disorder! Gross!!! You are super skinny but you also have a huge ass and tits!!! That's where the pizza goes!!! Real women have curves!!!!!! If you need to, get plastic surgery!!! But DEFINITELY don't tell anyone you did!!!! And don't let it look like you've had plastic surgery!!!! It's natural 😉
  3. Work out, but not too much. You still love nothing more than Netflix in bed!!!!!
    Definitely keep it tight, but we don't want to hear about it. Enough is enough!!!! You love sweatpants in bed!!!! No one needs to hear about anything else!!!!
  4. Makeup? It's not for you (except it very much is)
    You prefer the natural look, which means mascara, eyeliner, blush, neutral lipstick, and some light contouring!!! Never let anyone see you putting on makeup!!!! You woke up like this!!!! Caring about makeup is silly, but you do need to wear it at all times at a level that is transformative but not noticeable!!!
  5. Politics? Don't worry about em
    Men have a handle on this, just listen and agree with them. Not our problem, ladies!!!!!
  6. Your rights? Don't worry about em
    If you feel like something is a violation of your rights, don't!!! You're most likely wrong!!! Your rights are fine!!!!
  7. LISTEN!!! Men have things to say!!!!
    God will you just stop talking for one second??? Men know things!!! You should nod and agree!!!
  8. Rom coms? You're not into that silly stuff
    You like movies and TV about men dealing with men problems, those are the REAL problems!!!!!! Or sometimes they have "strong female characters" who have similar REAL problems!!!!!! That's acceptable, in small doses of course!!!! Don't get greedy!!!
  9. Music made by women? You're not into that silly stuff
    You like whiny white men making music about being whiny white men!! That's the most relatable demographic!!!
  10. Books? Only read certain ones, IN PRIVATE
    You definitely need to list On The Road as your favorite book on Facebook, but we don't want to SEE you reading!!!! A woman with a book??? Gross!!!
  11. Sports!!! You love em (ish)!!!!
    You love going to sports games and listening to men talk about sports!!!!! Whatever the man you're talking to's favorite team is, that's your favorite team too!!!! And you only like men's sports, or women's soccer the one time every four years men pretend to vaguely care about it!!!! Wear baseball hats!!!!
  12. Substances? Abuse them!
    You are down for anything: drinking, weed, whatever!!!! You're a down ass chick!!!! Just remember though, no matter how many substances you take, you're still able to give consent!!! Even if you don't think you did, you did!!! Don't worry about it!!!
  13. Other girls? No thanks!
    Blech, other girls all the worst, with their talking and dumb interests, blech!!! Thank God you're nothing like them!! When men say bad things about women, know that they are talking about those other girls and not YOU because you're not like them!!!! Thank GOD!!!! You're so lucky!!! Join in on the conversation to prove it!!!!
  14. Sexuality? It's not for you
    Your sexuality is for men, so you're up for anything!!!! If you want to be bi or a lesbian, you can be!!!! As long as you are hot!!!!!!! Then men can still enjoy it and you're a-okay!!!!!
  15. Blow jobs? You love em and expect nothing in return!!!!
    These are you favorite thing!!!! And you totally understand that your man isn't gonna want to put his mouth on your business, it's stinky and gross!!!! Nothing like a delightful, delicious man piece!!! What a treat!!!!
  16. Education? Get one and then shut up!!!
    You must have gone to college, a prestigious one, where you studied something in Liberal Arts so you'll be a good conversationalist at dinner parties!!!! No need for math or science, no one wants to hear about that!!! Your degree must look great on an engagement announcement!!!!
  17. Have a cool but non-threatening job!!!!!
    You job must be something quirky and cool, like something at an art museum or coloring book design!!! Or writing greeting cards!!! Or baking dog cookies!!!! Or a assistant editor at a magazine about knitting!!! It's slightly creative but not anything that involves having a real artistic vision, that would require a point of view, yuck!!!!
  18. Texting, sexting, perplexing
    Your text game is so strong!!!! You manage to be alluring, witty, sexy, charming, mysterious, and irresistible all through texts and emojis!!!! You keep your man on his toes!!! Confuse him as much as possible to keep him on his toes!!!! Sometimes reply right away, sometimes wait a few days!!!! Don't confuse when you're supposed to do one or the other!!!! You'll just know!!!!
  19. Jokes? Take them, don't make them
    Hahahaha!!!! You have a great sense of humor!!!! When men make jokes, laugh!!!! They're funny!!!!! Sometimes you might think they're offensive, but they're not!!!! You just need to lighten up!!! They're just jokes, your job is to laugh!!!!! And don't try and make jokes yourself, let the men do it!!! They're so good at it and laughing is just so fun!!!! Laugh laugh laugh!!!!!
  20. ABC: Always be chill
    Nothing bothers you!!!! People can do and say whatever they want and you are CHILL w/ it!!!!!! Constant chillness!!!
  21. Needs? What are those?
    You don't have any!!!! So don't worry about it!!!! Just help men with their needs, it's in your nature!!!! You might think you have needs, but you don't!!! There's nothing worse than a needy woman!!!
  22. And above all, remember:
    SMILE!!!!!!!