REASONS FOR THIS CHRONIC SENSE OF UNEASE
Sometimes it's vague and subtle, sometimes strong and unsettling.
- •Treadmill.I'm on one--figuratively. Single parent of a toddler, so time never feels like my own. Even when I have a babysitter, I'm thinking of time running down. In a week I have to take care of laundry, food prep, getting kid to and from daycare, get myself to and from work, do my work, also try to have some down time.
- •MoneyLike time, another resource in short supply. Trying to figure ways to get more of it (new, higher paying work? Freelance work? Rent my bike put on Splitsider...does anyone use that?) The constant nagging fear of overdraft is one I'd like to live without.
- •My psycheI live a lot in my own head, where I am in constant battle against various narratives of resentment, jealousy, what ifs. I meditate, I run...that helps with perspective and with reminding myself to be present, that so much of what irks me doesn't matter to me particularly ultimately.
- •Where I liveIs my apartment where I want to be? Do I want to stay in NYC? Should I move to an easier place? Where? Would I be happy there? New Orleans? Oakland? Madison? How much do I want a better kitchen and another bathroom and a garden?
- •CorrespondenceDo I present poorly in letters/cv? Do I lack sufficient self-regard? Do I have too much of it? Am I deluded about my skills? Why do men in my universe not have such self doubt? Once I ran into a famous director I know at a party. His first film had just been acclaimed at Sundance. I told him congratulations and that I heard great things are happening. He said, "Sara, great things have been happening since day 1." Blown away by the arrogance at first, I then thought--good for him.
- •Social MediaWhy am I continuing to partake when it seems to add to misanthropy? All the wasted time.