THINGS I'VE HEARD AS A PARK RANGER

I worked at a State Park near Atlanta for several years and it was a fantastic experience, except for when I was asked these gems. All were from completely serious adults.
  1. The most common. "Do you work here?," and it's rude alternative, "Do you know anything about this park?"
    No, I stole this uniform from a ranger who is currently tied up in a storage closet and now I wander the park hoping to trick unsuspecting visitors.
  2. Woman behind me asks, "Do you want this?" Turn around. She's offering me a 6 foot long rat snake.
    🎶 Put that thing back where it came from or so help me 🎶
  3. Another ranger is handling a live, clearly moving snake. "Is that snake real?"
    No, we thought it'd be easier to invest in state of the art snake puppets and just pretend they're real.
  4. Visitor looks at taxidermy exhibit. "Are these alive?"
    No, we've trained all the animals to pose for hours on end. See how that snake maintains a perfectly posed striking position - it took months to train him.
  5. Sees turtle walking. "Turtles can walk?!"
    How did you think they ate, drank, or moved? I think they thought turtles were just rocks with necks.
  6. Visitor is going hiking. "Will the deer attack me?"
    Yes, be careful. The deer come here to eat berries and kick ass...and they're all out of berries.
  7. "What's a canoe?"
    How have you lived this long?
  8. Mountain is in the name of the park. "Is there a mountain here?"
    Dammit they're on to us! They're going to realize it's been a hill with a green screen this whole time.
  9. About to ascend the mountain with a group of hikers. "Is there a lift we can take to the top? Stone Mountain has one."
    God forbid you actually use your legs for walking. I think this was the person Pixar had in mind when they created the lazy humans from Wall-E.
  10. Hikers were repeatedly told the length and route of the trail. "We didn't realize how long it was. Can you come pick us up?"
    *swishes cape* To the park mobile! Also, I didn't realize my name was Ranger Uber.