Ways I Will Not Die
There are acceptable ways to die, and then there are these.
- •Sneezing while drivingThis is the #1 reason I want self-driving cars tbh. No one who has ever sneezed should be allowed to operate a vehicle.
- •Caught in a wet sports braThere are so many ways this can go wrong and none of them end with a graceful death.
- •Picked up by a tornadoMostly I worry that I'll be wearing a pair of laundry day underwear and my pants will be ripped off by the wind and someone will find my body in a tree and think "wow she probably didn't have her life together, huh?"
- •Anything that has to do with a toiletElvis. Drowned in a swirly. Getting bitten on the butt by a poisonous toilet snake.
- •Accident on a super fun roller coasterBecause someone will end up saying "well at least she died doing what she loved" and it's like, no, fuck you, I waited in line for that.
- •Struck by lighting for the second timeHaven't been struck yet, but one day I will be, and then I'll spend the rest of my life worrying I'm going to be the reason someone at a shitty party says "Actually..."
- •Overwhelmed by Axe body sprayWhich is why I'll never chaperone a middle school dance.
- •Playing Candy CrushI can't remember the last time I played but somehow I imagine the guy shouting "SWEET" and that's what would be burned into my family's ears forever.
- •Under a dryer in a hair salonI'm like 97% sure if you're in there any longer than it takes to dry your hair, your brain liquifies.
- •While attending any event before the food has been servedThis is an obvious one.
- •Inside of a Michaels Craft StoreThe only acceptable place to die is among the acrylic yarns and googly eyes of @joannfabrics