Ways I Will Not Die

There are acceptable ways to die, and then there are these.
  1. Sneezing while driving
    This is the #1 reason I want self-driving cars tbh. No one who has ever sneezed should be allowed to operate a vehicle.
  2. Caught in a wet sports bra
    There are so many ways this can go wrong and none of them end with a graceful death.
  3. Picked up by a tornado
    Mostly I worry that I'll be wearing a pair of laundry day underwear and my pants will be ripped off by the wind and someone will find my body in a tree and think "wow she probably didn't have her life together, huh?"
  4. Anything that has to do with a toilet
    Elvis. Drowned in a swirly. Getting bitten on the butt by a poisonous toilet snake.
  5. Accident on a super fun roller coaster
    Because someone will end up saying "well at least she died doing what she loved" and it's like, no, fuck you, I waited in line for that.
  6. Struck by lighting for the second time
    Haven't been struck yet, but one day I will be, and then I'll spend the rest of my life worrying I'm going to be the reason someone at a shitty party says "Actually..."
  7. Overwhelmed by Axe body spray
    Which is why I'll never chaperone a middle school dance.
  8. Playing Candy Crush
    I can't remember the last time I played but somehow I imagine the guy shouting "SWEET" and that's what would be burned into my family's ears forever.
  9. Under a dryer in a hair salon
    I'm like 97% sure if you're in there any longer than it takes to dry your hair, your brain liquifies.
  10. While attending any event before the food has been served
    This is an obvious one.
  11. Inside of a Michaels Craft Store
    The only acceptable place to die is among the acrylic yarns and googly eyes of @joannfabrics