DRUNK TRUMBO! 🍻

*Slurp*
  1. It startedwith beer.
    Doesn't it always?
  2. When it starts with beer, there's always a promise to avoid whiskey.
    "Beer then liquor, never sicker" and all that.
  3. And then that promise is broken.
    You know, because whiskey.
  4. I got to the bar early, had 2 beers, and let the bartender buy me a shot. I'm almost done with beer 3.
  5. So now I'm at aye Old Rustix waiting for my friend Sam.
    Here I am! Hi! Hello!
  6. Sam is late.
    26 minutes late.
  7. I just stared talking to this really pretty lady sitting next to me.
    She's here lone, I guess she just got dumped. Or stood up? It's unclear. Shes annoyed, though, that's been confirmed.
  8. Baaaahahaha
    The only thing j can think to say is, "don't cry. You're so ugly when you cry." Don't worry, she's not crying. And it's more referential humor than me bein an actual ass.
  9. I just bought her (and me) a shot, because fuck boys, right?
  10. Then we started talking about butt stud.
    Basically the consensus was: don't stick it in there (you know, IT it), but it's not totally off limits. Butt plugs are fun! And Coke in many colors and sizes!
  11. When I say IT it, I'm talking about penises.
    In case ho didn't catch that.
  12. Where is Sam?!
    I as stood up too!!
  13. Now she bought the Shira.
    Shots for boys being stupid and not telling you they are gunna just not show up.
  14. I want her #, in going to ask for her #.
    And I'm going to call her.
  15. She wants to be friends!
    She's coming Rick blin gin with me next week!
  16. SHOTS!
  17. I'm gonna call Sam.
  18. I called Sam
    I left bun a 5 minute message and sang part of "Giants in the Sky" from Into the Woods. Loudly. I was asked to keep it down by the killjoy sitting next to me.
  19. 🎶"AND SHE GIVES YOU FOOD AND SHE GIVES YOU REST. AND SHE HOLDS YOU CLOSE TO HER GIANT BRWAST!!!" 🎶
  20. Ah. Shouting Sondheim at the bar is frowned join.
    Who knew?
  21. Fine.
    I will take my business elsewhere. Maybe my new friend wants to go to Cha Cha????
  22. Oh boo! She's going to asshole gums house.
    He just stood you up, Carrie.
  23. Katy? Sorry 😁
  24. I guess I'll call an uber.
  25. Hi Wendy from uber!
    Can I play music in the car?
  26. 🎶"I guess this is goodbyeeee old pal, give been a perfect friiiiiiend. I hate to see us paaaaet old pal, someday I'll buy you back. I'll see you soon agaaaaaaaaaain, I hope that when j dooooookko it won't be on a plate."🎶
  27. Just got home.
    Thanks, Wendy from uber! 5 stars!
  28. THERE IS A BOX ON MY FRONT STEPSSSSS
  29. Ugh, it's just one of the presents I ordered from my mom and forgot about.
    How many salt and pepper shakers asked one woman needs?
  30. I just ate a bunch of chicken with mah fingurrrrs.
    Yum!
  31. "Hi new friend!"
    "Hope you got home safe!"
  32. She didn't text me bagj
    But she will? I think she's probably find.
  33. I may or may not have just thrown us.
    But now I'm in my wizard obese and I'm in beddddddd
  34. Gonna duck around on Amazon.
    Christmas presents for me!
  35. Here's what I just bought:
  36. A fluffy, vibrating butt plug.
    It looks a little like one of those feathered pens from middle school.
  37. Dry shampoo, D batteries, and 3 joggers.
    Can't always trust a free pour.
  38. I'm feeling really nice right now.
  39. Where's my butt plug????