People often qualify thought with the preface "literally." Sometimes correctly, sometimes incorrectly. Not the point. Point is, why don't people use the prefix "figuratively?" No idea. That's the correct answer. So I'm gonna. Join me?
  1. "If you don't stop singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' every time we go to karaoke, I will figuratively murder you."
  2. "Last night's @list reading @ucbcomedy was so funny, I figuratively pissed myself."
  3. "I was so happy to see @richardkraft last night. We hugged figuratively a million times. I nearly literally cried."
  4. "If the pigeons have been picking at my garden again, I will figuratively shit my pants."
  5. "Holy shit, I'm figuratively starving. If you bring me a carnitas taco, I will figuratively blow you (or literally, depending on the person bringing me a taco. Or depending on how good the taco is)."
  6. "Hahahahahahaha! That YouTube video of that Pomeranian falling down some stairs and then exploding was figuratively the best thing I've ever seen."
    Who am I kidding? That was literally the best thing I've ever seen.
  7. "You actually brought me tacos??? You are figuratively my favorite person alive."
    Steve Martin is literally my favorite person alive. Or maybe Harry Shearer. Or my brother. Jury's out.
  8. Your turn!
    *this was borne of a super stoned bliss trip in a narrow, dark cavern in the high desert on Monday. In retrospect, I think it was somewhat inspired by Archer.*
  9. "I figuratively had a heart attack!"
    I definitely freaked out and had a very dramatic reaction to something, but did not have a cardiac event and do not need medical attention.
    Suggested by @hermionegranger
  10. I will literally bring you carnitas tacos.
    Did I do that right?
    Suggested by @HisDudeness