I wrote this for a guy I was really excited to start dating a couple months ago. About two weeks in, we had a conversation that made me realize immediately that it wasn't going to work out. Thought of him this morning, missed him, and felt blue. Posting this as a reminder.
  1. I can't just "get it together."
  2. Or "get a grip."
  3. Suggesting that is really offensive and hurtful.
    Especially when I have been in and out of therapy for 16 years, and medicated in some way or another for 10 years.
  4. What, you think I haven't told myself to "get a grip?"
    That it's not playing in my head on repeat?
  5. Like you saying that to me will all of a sudden turn things around,
    As if you facilitated a huge "lightbulb moment" for me?
  6. I have been trying to "get a grip" for years. I try every day.
    And I've come a long way.
  7. When you tell me you want to see the person I was when we first met, the person who can light up a room,
    Guess what? That's me. That's the same me I am right now, the one who's stuck in gloom. Same person.
  8. If you want the "radiant woman" you were so attracted to, she's here.
    She's just not radiant all the time. Sometimes she's worn and rusted.
  9. I can't pause my depression because you want the shiny, happy me all the time. That's not how it works.
  10. And to tell me that I need to "get it together" so I can accomplish all of my big dreams is incredibly condescending.
    You're just forging a link between my future success/failure and my depression. Like I can't do it unless I'm "fixed."
  11. You are an unrelenting beam of positivity.
    I envy you. So much.
  12. You're right, you don't understand.
    How could you? I don't understand you either.
  13. You'll probably just try to fix me.
    I'll hate you for it because it will mean that I am broken.
  14. When you can't fix me, you'll start hating me for your failure.
    And I'll feel guilty for letting you down.
  15. I felt fine until you started oversimplifying potential solutions.
    I get it, I do. It just stings, like a jab, saying "see?? It's so easy!"
  16. The funny thing is, when I have a regular sleep schedule and take my pills right away when I wake up, I can be great.
    I can be "that radiant woman."
  17. When I get 12 hours of sleep over 4 nights, and then 13 all in one, it fucks me up.
    And I cry. Like a tired, frustrated baby.
  18. I'm an adult. I take care of myself.
  19. Over years of careful, painstaking cultivation, I have the skills to be a functional and self-sufficient human being.
  20. I struggle with it, a lot. It is and will remain the hardest thing I will ever do.
  21. I know you didn't mean to, but you undercut that and made me feel diminished.
    It's not your fault.
  22. I know I'll succeed. I don't need you to tell me that.
  23. But when I'm around you, I regress into needing to be taken care of.
    You're one of those people.
  24. It's not good for me,
    And it's not good for you.
  25. And I'm really sorry to know that.
  26. I don't know what comes next.
  27. ......
  28. (End)
  29. ......
  30. This guy is a fucking gem and it kills me to know that I can't have someone like him. That we would be so toxic to each other, while being pretty great individually.
  31. I've had two weeks now of 12 hour nights. It has been impossible to get out of bed.
    Literally. And no, I'm not misusing the word. If you've been there, you know that it can be literally impossible to get out of bed.
  32. Even when I manage that, I stay lounging all day long.
    Interrupted by brief forays into the outside world, most of which involved drinking.
  33. I'm scared, and I'm angry.
  34. I missed an appointment with my psychiatrist today to add something to my daily medication that might help. Because I couldn't get out of bed.
    Oh, the irony.
  35. I want to feel like I'm not alone, and this community has reinforced that time and time again.
    Thank you.
  36. I'm crying while I write this: Unshowered, immobile, unfed, frustrated, angry for crying, needing a hug, not wanted anyone to fucking touch me.
    I'm not a big crier, generally.
  37. I have so much to do, but I just can't move.
  38. That's it, just want to put this out there - maybe take some of the crushing weight off my chest.
  39. Love you guys.
  40. 💙