THINGS MY GOOD FRIEND SARAH JESSICA PARKER HAS DONE FOR ME

We've been through a lot, SJP and I.
  1. Popped the zits on my back -
    Only the hard to reach ones.
  2. Braided my hair while singing the creepy children luring song from Hocus Pocus.
  3. Stood behind a curtain and sang "Shy" from "Once Upon a Mattress" while I lip-synched in a mirror.
    I just can't quite nail that song.
  4. Used her strong, bony fingers to knead the pressure points in my hands until I cried.
    She rubbed my feet once, but I passed out.
  5. Promised to lend her celebrity status to @tombatten's and my cause: MHCBFMSC
    Male Homeless Comic Book Fans Masturbation Support Campaign. The goal is to raise money for authors to write erotic comics to be made widely available for free to homeless readers for their auto-erotic pleasure.
  6. Knew that I had lied to her about loving SATC 2, and didn't press the issue.
    Girl, please. No one liked SATC 2. Don't put me in that position.
  7. She came to me for help when Matthew Broderick took too much MDMA and wouldn't stop dancing even after his foot was clearly broken.
    That kind of trust means the world to me.
  8. Allowed me to officiate her vow renewal wedding service.
    And she didn't take the mic away when I got to the prop humor portion of my speech.
  9. Let me touch her perfect, perfect boobs.
  10. Love you, girl.
  11. 💙