TIMES TOM IS ALLOWED TO HOLD MY HAND.

@tombatten comes to LA soon. We've talked about this somewhat, but I want to make it absolutely clear when it is/is not appropriate for him to hold my hand.
  1. No: when we meet.
    You think I'm gonna shake your hand? No. We're going to hug and then I'm gonna just hang around on your back like a lemur.
  2. Yes: while crossing the street.
    Safety first.
  3. Yes: while I get my weird-ass April Fools tattoo.
    Shit's gonna hurt.
  4. Yes: while you get your weird-ass April Fools tattoo.
    Shit's gonna hurt.
  5. No: when you start to cry at the sight of my shoe collection, which is even more glorious than I've alluded to in my lists.
  6. No: pretty much any time you cry while you're here.
  7. Yes: any time I cry while you're here.
  8. Yes: when you cry because my cats make biscuits on you.
    They ARE my responsibility, so I guess it's only appropriate for me to comfort you. Their love hurts.
  9. No: while you're puking from drinking too much at the meetup after your reading.
    It's not my fault you had all those kamikaze shots!
  10. No: when the sight of the vast Pacific Ocean fills you with existential dread and overwhelming sadness.
  11. Yes: if I'm in imminent danger of tumbling off the side of a cliff.
    Honestly, that really is the only time you're allowed to hold my hand.
  12. **Yes: when we all play Red Rover. Per @emilyannlosey's suggestion.
  13. ***No: when we all play Red Rover because @tombatten will be playing on the boys team and boys are gross and have cooties.
  14. ****Yes: when we all play Red Rover because God sayeth "thou must always play the Red game of Rover with lines alternating girl, boy, girl, boy." Gosh, @emilyannlosey, this is confusing.