TRUMBO HIATUS (...FROM DRINKING) 🏀

Had you worried for a second, didn't I? Below are reasons I'm taking the rest of the month starting this past Monday (9 whole days, I know... Brutal) off from booze. @aus10
  1. I blacked out on Monday night.
    Last thing I remember was singing "Danger Zone" karaoke - next thing I know, I'm waking up in my bed, fully clothed. At 1:55pm. 30 minutes before I had to leave for work.
  2. I didn't remember how I got home. I had horrible bruises/scrapes on my elbows, palms, and tailbone, and a dinosaur egg on the back of my noggin. No recollection.
  3. UPDATE FROM WHEN I STARTED WRITING THIS TWO DAYS AGO: my friend Aylin took me home Monday night.
    I fell out of her car onto the sidewalk. She dragged me to my bathroom floor. Mystery solved!
  4. I called the guy I've been in love with for over a year 6 times. At 2:45am. He's married.
    He told me I yelled at him for not saying goodbye before he left, and that he should "suck a bag of dicks."
  5. I sent 12 bratty texts to a coworker.
    Featuring these gems: "if you don't come upstairs and hang out with me, I'm leaving." "You're babely, even though you're short."
  6. I went home with someone I maaaaaybe probably shouldn't have. Because he's boring as hell.
    What can I say? I'm a sucker for redheads.
  7. I had to make myself throw up Tuesday evening to end a relentless hangover.
  8. It's almost physically impossible for me to turn down a shot.
    You put it in front of me, I will reflexively grab it and toss it back, slam it down, and not bat an eye.
  9. In one week I had just over 30 shots (I'm including whiskies I had neat, because it's essentially the same) (mostly whiskey, some amaro, some tequila), 5 cocktails, and 12 beers.
    On St. Patrick's Day alone, I had 3 cocktails, 4ish beers, and >8 shots (/neat pours) of Tully. I was not hungover.
  10. I sent this text.
    Cropped because it's the least incriminating of the bunch. Note that my predictive text was all over NPR.
  11. I got into a screaming debate with some idiot about the efficacy and necessity of Hiroshima (and Nagasaki) in the end of WWII.
    I don't remember this in the slightest, but apparently I ended up switching sides so many times I confused the poor guy until he finally just said I was right and bought me another drink.
  12. I wouldn't stop crying until a friend smeared whipped cream on my chest and licked it off.
    It was so utterly and completely shocking that I immediately calmed down.
  13. I rubbed ice on my friend's nipples and shouted "YOU HAVE TO LET ME. IT'S YOUR BURFDAY."
  14. I was asked to pee on a candidate for city council (he won).
    I know, "that's close to a plot line from Sex and the City." But no. Because I actually did it. And I signed an NDA without asking for hush money, which, in retrospect, was dumb.
  15. I had sex in a swimming pool and got chlamydia. Not from the guy. That pool was disgusting.
    Thank goodness for penicillin.
  16. All of this. In one week.
  17. Some would say that's excessive.
    They're not wrong.
  18. So! Maybe it's time to take a little break.
    Let my liver rest. Right now, I imagine it looks like a slug under a salt shaker.
  19. @vmacies: I'm hereby passing the torch.
  20. Also I am currently experiencing alcohol withdrawal.
    Pray for me.