Inspired by @LizDawson
  1. if you spend less than five dollars on someone, especially on food, you should never tell them they owe you
  2. the incapability of small children to understand sarcasm is the only thing getting me through work every day
  3. instagrams of beautiful food almost fill the hole dieting leaves in your heart
  4. you can wear heels of any height as long as you don't complain about the pain in your feet
  5. papa john's meat lovers pizza, loaded tater tots, a sampler platter of breakfast foods, and chocolate peanut butter cheesecake would make an untoppable last meal
  6. dogs are too good for this world, too pure
  7. everyone should be able to do laundry, cook a basic meal, make a bed with hospital corners, and clean a bathroom
  8. nutrition info shouldn't be in ounces; what the fuck is an ounce
  9. the only thing worse than summer jobs is when your friends don't have them
  10. having painted toenails is the norm but having painted fingernails is totally a sign of having your life together
  11. slow walking, slow talking, slow driving, and otherwise avoiding getting to the point are the biggest wastes of time in the world
  12. one great and lazy way to get what you want is to play dumb until someone does it for you
  13. green apples are the best and I will fight you on this