Things I'm Super Talented at, but Can't List on a Resume

  1. plucking my eyebrows
    I think they are my most complimented facial feature and I'm proud to say it's not a wax job
  2. making kid food
    be it pancakes, grilled cheese, omelets, tacos, stir fry, or sandwiches, I really rock at delicious simple food
  3. looking party-ready in a super short period of time
    we're talking a seven minute outfit change, makeup refresh, eyeliner addition, cash estimation, plan confirmation, and hair retouch
  4. getting through stressful situations v calmly and only breaking down after I'm in a convenient place to do so
    like career-based existential crises and fender-benders
  5. gently and indiscriminately flirting with everyone around me so they'll like me
    I do this a lot @ girls via super enthusiastic compliments and also @ waitstaff so they'll forgive me for being broke and barely tipping 15%
  6. grammar
    somehow I think I've read enough books to know without fail when a sentence is grammatically incorrect and 95% of the time how to fix it. any poor grammar on my part is stylistic at this point
  7. vacuuming
    I've realized I hate having hair and dust and crumbs on my floor even more than I hate the actual act of vacuuming
  8. taking fab selfies
    but not having the courage to send them to anyone or post them
  9. inserting catchphrases into my vocabulary by choice
    "sick" is this year's and in retrospect it was a poor choice since it was cool for less than twenty four hours sometime in the early 2000s
  10. sensing bees up to half a mile away
    and flinching regardless of how close, aggressive, or biologically likely to sting me they actually are