Halloween is coming, so what the hell, here’s a list of all the costumes I can remember wearing. Gaps are from years where I was lazy, bitter, or that I cannot remember.
  1. Monster — 1979–1981
    A default costume my mom threw together before I had much awareness of anything. It involved a black long haired wig, vampire teeth, giant scary black plastic fingernails, and a thick flannel coat for adults that I am sure made grown ups squeal to see a four year old wearing
  2. Han Solo — 1982
    The first my mom made, using her crazy seeing knowledge. I wore brown corduroy pants and a matching vest that she made, to get that authentic “wuffa wuffa” sound Han had while running around Cloud City, and a gun that shot sparks. My best friend Billy played Chewbacca, which is ironic, because our actual dynamic was he was the cool, knowledgeable one, and I was the sidekick that focused on engineering things (“We’ve got to build a better dirt clod!”) Dirt clods… where did that name come from?
  3. Pac Maniac — 1983
    I wanted to go as Pac-Man, and my poor mom tried making this giant yellow cloth costume held together by plastic struts but they were too weak and collapsed, so she made a yellow shirt with the Atari 2600 Pac-Man board made with felt, sharpie, and tiny felt characters glued to it. On my head were deedly bobbers of a ghost and Pac-Man, and some face paint of the same. Wokka wokka!
  4. The Ultimate Video Game — 1984
    This is where I started going off the weird nerd deep end. I made a video game cabinet suit out of cardboard boxes, silver spray paint, and foil, with controllers and a keyboard drawn on that would let you play ANY VIDEO GAME EVAR!!!
  5. Huffer — 1985
    No, not someone who inhales plastic baggies of household inhalants, but the Autobot who turned into a tiny big rig truck, as opposed to Optimus Prime, who was the real deal. Side note: is Optimus supposed to be derived from “optimum” or “optimism”? Anyway, cardboard boxes again with blue and orange construction paper and sharpies art, cardboard tubes coated in foil on my arms. I “transformed” by laying on the floor, face in carpet, with my arms outstretched vertically behind my back.
  6. Charlie Bales — 1987
    Steve Martin’s character in the sensitive misunderstood male classic “Roxanne”. I wore a giant plastic nose with a fake bird glued on it, and baby powder in my hair to gray it up, for which I was taunted by my peers in shop class. Also, not allowed to wear the nose while operating a jigsaw or belt sander. Fair enough.
  7. Zombie — 1989
    I put on some gross droopy costume eye, covered my body in Elmer’s glue, then let it dry and crack and peel partially. A gross shower that evening.
  8. Cyberpunk Decker / Netrunner — 1992
    My dad’s old pleather trench coat, sunglasses, and a keyboard I carried around with a cable “plugged” into my skin via cheap stage makeup. I am sure I sharpies random circuit board patterns all over my arms too.
  9. High School Senior — 1993
    I just graduated high school, so I was lazy and put on my letter jacket and went trick or treating with friends (including 6’14” Arne wielding a real steak knife and hockey mask) near student housing because wouldn’t that be so funny? Answer: not really, except when we randomly got to my high school British Lit teacher’s house.
  10. Goth — 1994
    Not so much a costume as much as the same crap I wore every day, including no spiky hair (Aquanet + Knox gelatin), black lipstick and eyeliner and black black black clothes. Only mentioning because I lost my virginity after a Halloween party. Thanks, Great Pumpkin!
  11. Shade: The Changing Man — 1995–1996
    Lesser known character from the early days of DC Comics’ Vertigo imprint. I spiked my hair, wore the pleather trench coat from 1992, with artsy circles painted on it.
  12. Stonecutter — 1997
    I went as a member of the Stonecutters, the Freemason/Illuminati secret society parody from The Simpsons. I wore my purple high school graduation robe, and some weird symbols made with construction paper and Sharpie marker. Years later I got the “Chosen One” symbol tattooed on my butt. I know, I know.
  13. Mister Furious — 2000
    Ben Stiller’s character from the classic film “Mystery Men”. Goggles, black leather trench coat, spiked hair (a running theme!), and pretend rage. Then off to Surfside 7 to drink!
  14. Dib — 2001
    Shortly after Invader Zim debuted, maaaany people said I resembled the be-trench coated bespectacled conspiracy theorist from this show, so hey, minimal effort! Black trench coat, plus giant cartoon eyes taped to my glasses, plus weirdly gelled hair. And lots of frantic yelling.
  15. Patty Bouvier — 2002
    My girlfriend Mez and I went as Patty and Selma from the Simpsons. We hosted our first of many Halloween parties to come in the house she had just purchased. And we smoked inside, for added realism. Purple wig, wine colored dress, padded bra, lipstick, pearls, and love.
  16. Freddy Krueger — 2003
    I dressed as Mez’s favorite horror movie icon and she dressed as my favorite singer Siouxsie Sioux for this Halloween, the day we got married at the gay dance club made out of a triple wide mobile home in Fort Collins. Costumes were mandatory, everyone got plowed, and people spoke fondly of that wedding for years to come.
  17. King of All Cosmos — 2004
    The overbearing father from classic rolling ball video game Katamati Damacy. Mez painted my face gray and black, and I made a big colorful tube to wear on my head, a tiny crown, and an orange paper wedge for a nose. Didn’t wear tights stuffed with socks though, so not as fully realized as it could have been.
  18. Doctor Venture — 2011
    I know I am missing a few years, but time becomes a blur during as you get older. Two months after Mez and I separated and we were still living together, I shaved my head (to “Needle in the Hay” because it made me laugh to do so). I wore a jumpsuit and lab coat to complete the patriarch of The Venture Bros.
  19. Doctor Schwa — 2013
    Was lazy and just wore my costume from when I used to announce roller derby, with lab coat and toy stethoscope. I think.
  20. Garth Algar — 2014
    Went as Garth from Wayne’s World for Halloween, and to host an improv set with my friend Stacy dressed as Wayne Campbell. I wore a blonde wig, flannel shirt over an Aerosmith tee, ripped jeans, and carried around drum sticks.
  21. ??? — 2015
    Uh, dunno yet. It's a week away. I need to get my shit together.