JUNK FOODS THAT DISAPPEARED LONG AGO, AND IT EATS ME UP INSIDE
These are awful foods I grew up with or ate in bed as a slovenly bachelor or chowed down on with my wife as we wandered the aisles of 7-Eleven after a night of heavy drinking. Recently my jaw was broken, and after a two month liquid diet, I weaned myself off my junk food habit (for the most part), but still look back on these fondly.
- •Nabisco TwigsThese were orange-colored snack sticks, kinda cheese flavored but not in any overpowering way, and had sesame seeds for added texture. Great with Rondelé or Allouette cheese! There’s an 1100 strong Facebook page demanding Nabisco bring them back, so clearly I am not alone!
- •Pepperidge Farms Pumpernickel Snack SticksSmall three inch sticks of crunchy cracker like product, that were brown and pumpernickel. There were also sesame and three cheese ones (I think), but pumpernickel were my favorite. Great with Rondelé or Allouette cheese! Hey, does Pepperidge Farms still make croutons? I could go for a box of those.
- •Nabisco Swiss Cheese CrackersSwiss cheese flavored crackers! God these were awesome. I’d get them every six months or so. I last had them when my wife and I got some in Montreal while visiting her dad twelve years ago, as another company (or maybe a subsidiary of Nabisco) made them. But those days are over, as she and I have since separated.
- •Cheese Pretzel TwistsNot that Rold Gold nonsense where it’s just a pretzel twist with some cheese-flavored powder baked in. NO! These pretzels were actually yellow, and made with actual cheese baked into them. I think Wise may have made them? Used to get’em all over the east coast and other places. Now? One company makes them and it costs $18 to order two eleven ounce bags on Amazon. Which… I have done. Twice.
- •Ritz Snack Mix“Ok”, you may say, “They still make this. That’s two in a row they still make. What are you even complaining about?” I will grant you this snack with tiny Ritz crackers, pretzel sticks, cheese crackers, and Chex is still made BUT it is ONLY apportioned out in boxes of six 100 calorie snack bags. You used to be able to buy boxes of it without splitting it up so wastefully. SOME OF US DON’T WANT OUR FOOD CONSUMPTION LIMITED BUT WOULD RATHER LIMIT OUR GARBAGE PACKAGING CONSUMPTION!
- •Doo DadsOh god, speaking of Chex, this was Chex mix with pretzels, peanuts, and tiny little inch long cheese sticks called “Tid-Bits”. There was original and cheese and herb. I swear it had little salty Cheerios in it, but image search says no. Maybe Chex Mix used to before they added those stupid stale Melba rounds? Called “Méli Mélo” in Quebec, which DID have the Cheerios. Ha! Oh crap they still have it on Amazon for only $1.13 an ounce! THAT’S MORE EXPENSIVE THAN CHEESE PRETZELS! JESUS!
- •Cheese Tid-BitsThe aforementioned Tid-Bits were a separate product that were included in Doo Dads, just like Chex and pretzel sticks, which are also sold separately. But Tid-Bits are no more.
- •Donkey Kong CerealPretty much Cap’n Crunch, only larger and barrel shaped. Still carved up your mouth as if you were gnawing on drywall. I doubt I would eat it again, but I still miss it.
- •Smurfberry CrunchEssentially “Oops! All Crunchberries!” before there was such a thing as “Oops! All Crunchberries!” (which itself was derived from Cap’n Crunch’s ill-fated “Oops! All Cricket Legs!”
- •Banana Nut Frosted FlakesFrosted Flakes but with teeny tiny dried banana chunks on them. Lasted about a year. The first food I ever noticed that was discontinued when I was growing up. Tony the Tiger, you have let me down for three decades now.
- •Honey Nut ClustersCorn flakes and these little clusters nut things wth honey. Hence the name. Hey look, an almost grown up cereal on this list!
- •ChocodilesA Twinkie with a waxy chocolate coat with cake that isn’t as greasy. When Hostess returned in its post-bankruptcy form, these did not. At least for a while. Wikipedia says there are Chocodiles Twinkies which are essentially smaller Chocodiles. I haven’t found any, but Chocodiles were always hard to come by to begin with.
- •Pudding PopsFrozen pudding. Not just Jell-O either. Many supermarkets had their own generic versions which were just as good. Jell-O tried bringing them back in the mid 2000s, but the recipe was different and they were too syrupy and awful. Just like Pan Am and Kodak, another mighty brand felled by the Cosby curse, not that Jell-O would want anything to do with him now. Honestly, you can make your own by freezing pudding. Banana’s the best!
- •Space Food SticksAstronaut food that was tubes of peanut buttery or chocolate or butterscotch flavored protein that were precursors to energy bars. Another company makes them now, but they are too girthy and don't taste or feel right at all. For some reason, Tiger’s Milk protein bars seem the closest approximation to flavor and texture even though the shape is all wrong.
- •Fruit Corners’ Fruit WrinklesGreasy little orange or grape or strawberry raisin-like turds that were so delicious and chewy, from the makers of Fruit Roll-Ups. Then they were updated to be “more fun” visually, kept the product name, but now Fruit Wrinkles were shaped like fruit, harder, and not as greasy, and SUCKED! WHY WAS “WRINKLES” STILL IN THE NAME!?