1. “Anarchy in the U.K.” By the Sex Pistols
    All you have to do is growl and sneer a lot. Cakewalk that impresses anyone over forty-five who still fancies themselves a young rebel. Put the Manic Panic down!
  2. “Creep” by Radiohead
    Aw, am I sad after that second beer?
  3. “Wanted Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi
    I’ve seen a million faces _and_ rocked them all
  4. “So Alive” by Love and Rockets
    Aw, am I sad after that fifth beer?
  5. “Basketcase” by Green Day
    Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I sang this like Bob Dylan? They kinda sound alike. Oh man I haven’t drunk texted [redacted] in months. I totally should!
  6. “Always” by Erasure
    Had a couple shots so I am _pretty sure_ I can do all four octaves, just shifted two octaves down the scale. My throat hurts. I should look up [redacted #2] on Facebook. Still married. Duh. I wasn’t even, I mean, just wondering where she’s at in her life. We went such different directions. Ew, she liked the racist meme her husband posted… never mind. What the hell.
  7. “Gloria” by Laura Branigan
    Pure joy. The greatest song ever written or performed. Everything is radiant. Everyone is radiant. All is full of love (I checked, they don’t have Björk’s “All Is Full of Love” but “Gloria” is the best song ever anyway).
  8. “Fwaajahahahr” by Simple Minds
    [falls over after leaning on the mic stand. Gently exited from establishment by larger male with calloused knuckles. Cries in doorway three doors down. Hums “Kryptonite” while trying to hail a cab that turns out to be a raccoon]