16 Things Only a Corporate Slave Would Understand!

Working blows.
  1. 1.
    You're no fashionista! Life is better when you have to wear khakis M-F. Even in July!
  2. 2.
    Knowing that you could be laid off at any moment makes it feel like you're living in an old timey cliffhanger serial! Will he make it??? Tune in next time!
  3. 3.
    It's uncomfortable being the center of attention! Letting others take the credit for your ideas is just the way you roll.
  4. 4.
    You swear by social Darwinism. Good looking people really do deserve all the rewards. At least you're above-average!
  5. 5.
    Feelings are weird! It's always best to check your humanity at the door so you can focus on what's important in life: revenue!
  6. 6.
    Taking calculated risks is how people get hurt! It's preferable to take the safe route and do what everyone else is doing. You know, just in case.
  7. 7.
    Why have an opinion when not having one means you're never wrong? Abstain!
  8. 8.
    Data is king! No need to let common sense get in the way of a carefully laid-out PowerPoint presentation.
  9. 9.
    Being near people who play shitty music without headphones is soothing and helps you concentrate. Hell, it's why you still live in that crappy one-bedroom.
  10. 10.
    Who needs efficiency? It makes sense to be in a single physical location for the same 8-10 hours every day even when you could get your work done from wherever and whenever. It's all about consistency.
  11. 11.
    You're nostalgic and pine for your days as a carefree youngster. That's why you love being treated like one.
  12. 12.
    Mediocrity just feels right! Sure, you like things that are awesome, but sometimes things that are awesome turn out to be just terrible. Plant your flag squarely in the middle of the road!
  13. 13.
    Celebrate poor decisions! It turns life into a marathon episode of America's Funniest Home Videos!
  14. 14.
    Your biological clock is set to sleep 10p-6a every single day. Staying out late and enjoying yourself just gets in the way of your ability to produce.
  15. 15.
    Life is a game! And sitting in traffic is like a game of bumper cars, minus the fun.
  16. 16.
    To you, death would be a sweet release.