8 Things to Jumpstart the Carson Campaign

The doc's presidential nomination bid is foundering! Here's some suggestions to breathe new life into his campaign.
  1. 1.
    Propose flat tax for pirates
    Hey if it's good enough for America, it's good enough for those who plunder the seas.
  2. 2.
    Develop serious caffeine habit
    This will allow Carson to keep his eyes open during interviews.
  3. 3.
    Mock Rubio's sweaters
    Hey if Cruz is going to make fun of Rubio's shoes, take it up a notch and ridicule his sweaters.
  4. 4.
    Offer free surgeries for new supporters
    Every 100th person to sign up for Carson's online newsletter gets a free coronary bypass (one per household)!
  5. 5.
    Create new slogan
    Something like "Get in the Car, Son!" Is both humorous and resonates with voters who drive.
  6. 6.
    Appear at rallies with Jesus puppet
    Will be great for connecting with the Christian base. Also Carson barely moves his mouth when speaking, so ventriloquism should be an easy add-on.
  7. 7.
    Get a neck tattoo
    Let's face it, it would get people talking.
  8. 8.
    Stage a boxing match with Trump
    Make it like the one from Rocky III and the Gen Xers will be eating out of your hand.