1. Priced at $149, new Apple Pencil feels like a REAL pencil because it's just a fucking white pencil
  2. New extra big iPad Pro starts at $799 and is aimed at the professional consumer market, largely those who buy crap for a living
  3. Updated Apple TV now allows you to play Crossy Road on your television because that's exactly what everyone has been clamoring for, duh
  4. Tim Cook 2.0 now available with Steve Jobs mock turtleneck wardrobe
  5. New iPhone 6S and 6S Plus are much better than those iPhone 6 and 6 Plus pieces of garbage
  6. Siri upgrade for Apple TV now supports searches for Bollywood films
  7. Apple Watch now available with a leather band because, let's face it, the Apple Watch is otherwise fucking perfect
  8. Apple iPad Pro can be accessorized with an iHouse storage module, starting at $749,000.00 (subject to availability)
  9. iTunes now works