Self-serving Claptrap

For reference:
  1. "That reminds me of something in my script. Want to read it?"
  2. "I'd like to invite you to a non-confrontational barbecue where we can casually discuss Jesus."
  3. "I'm cool if you just want to lie there. No worries."
  4. "Do you like comedy shows?"
  5. "Check out my Kickstarter."
  6. Please share! Thanks!!