Things I Would Rather Do Other Than Be at My Child's School's Curriculum Night

This is happening RIGHT NOW
  1. Swallow a zucchini whole
  2. Wrap myself in masking tape in an attempt to remove my back hair
  3. Watch four episodes of "Benson" simultaneously
  4. Gargle urine
  5. Balance tarantulas on my bald spot
  6. Attempt to masturbate while wearing oven mitts
  7. Read the iTunes EULA
  8. Watch Russian dashcam videos that don't feature any crashes or chases or fights but are just in regular ordinary traffic and nothing happens
  9. Fill out an online survey about vitamins
  10. ANYTHING, honestly