Top 10 Remakes
Pay attention, Hollywood! These ideas are money in the bank and I'm handing them out for free.
- •Working GirlMargot Robbie (she's hot, hot, hot!) in the Melanie Griffith role and Melanie Griffith (she needs this) in the Sigourney Weaver role. Clever! Stunt casting in the Harrison Ford role -- Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Foxx -- whoever looks least creepy getting up on Margot Robbie.
- •The GooniesJoss Whedon (Avengers nearly killed him) goes back to his roots with the adventures of teens and pre-teens in trouble. Cast kids with cancelled sitcoms in the lead roles. Up the creature effects and remove the racism. Get Adele to record "Good Enough" and prove that she has a sense of humor.
- •GremlinsSeth MacFarlane voices all the CGI Gremlins in this wacky re-imagining that takes all the best stuff from the first Gremlins and replaces it with all the worst stuff from Gremlins 2. The humans are played by teen unknowns that are also voiced by MacFarlane.
- •GhostGender switcheroo! Jennifer Lawrence is the dead one and James Franco is the artist with the pottery wheel. The wise black psychic role originally portrayed by Whoopi Goldberg is this time played by Kevin Hart. Shooting script is same as original with some pronoun tweaks.
- •Die HardVin Diesel is John McClane in this remake of the original action classic updated for modern times. Instead of Europeans, these terrorists are all Taliban sympathizers and the hostages live Tweet updates on their situation to the media. Bruce Willis appears in a cameo as Argyle, the limo driver. He has 45 seconds of screen time and is paid $30M.
- •Fantastic FourYes, this rebooted franchise flopped in 2015, but few people noticed -- so it's back to the drawing board with another reboot! This time it's an "urban" re-imagining called "Phantastic Phour" starring Drake as the genius scientist/rapper Mr. Phantastic in his feature film debut.
- •The ApartmentBilly Wilder's comedy classic skewered the gender roles and office politics of the 1960s, and this modern retelling is sure to undermine all the progress we have made since then. Hapless Seth Rogan lends out his apartment to his evil boss Ben Stiller and the rest of his corporate cronies so they have a place to conduct their illicit affairs. But this time, all the affairs are gay! Directed by Alan Ball.
- •West Side StoryIn this gritty modernization of the Romeo and Juliet romance, Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein's music is thrown out the window in favor of hyper-violent gun battles set in the tough NYC streets. Since the West Side is actually pretty sweet these days, all the action takes place on Staten Island.
- •The Breakfast ClubA brain, a beauty, a jock, a criminal, and a misfit are sent to high school detention. However, their phones are confiscated, and without them, they have no idea how to communicate. It takes the careful guidance of Principal Vernon (played by Anthony Michael Hall) to explain to the kids how human relationships and interactions actually work. "Don't You (Forget About Me)" -- originally recorded by Simple Minds -- is provided by Walk the Moon.
- •Top GunMaverick, Goose, and Iceman are back...but this time, they're chicks!! Directed by Paul Feig.