Things Crazy Dog People Say and Do When Others Aren't Watching

I just picked up Penny after a week of boarding. Then realized this. - Makoto
  1. Consistently use borderline psychotic names for them.
    These include anything prefixed or suffixed with "bear", "poo", "baby", "patootie", "boo boo" or "boobie". Should be said in a high pitched hoarder-of-clown-art voice.
  2. Talk in their voice
    Not only do you provide them with food and shelter, but you also give them a human voice. Which sounds eerily like Forrest Gump if he were a manatee.
  3. Compare them to celebrities
    "This collar totally makes Penny look like Shania Twain"- actual words that came out of my mouth.
  4. Ask them the same question over and over again, but with slight variations. As if you're speaking a foreign language to a deaf person.
    "Are you hungry? Who's hungry? Did somebody say they were hungry? Guess who's hungry?"
  5. Face licks that quickly turn into mouth to mouth kisses
    And you don't think it's gross. Even after they licked their own buttholes or genitals.
  6. Wipe their butts
    When poop takes a turn for the worst, you give them a helping hand.
  7. Smell their paws
    Do they smell like corn chips or dirt? Or poop?
  8. Change the lyrics to songs so you can serenade them.
    "Penny and the Jets", "All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
  9. Sleep in uncomfortable corners and edges of your own bed
    Because you want to cuddle with your pack. And their comfort supersedes your desire for deep REM sleep.
  10. Cry each time you see a doggie tribute video
    Because the thought of losing them is devastating.