Things Crazy Dog People Say and Do When Others Aren't Watching
I just picked up Penny after a week of boarding. Then realized this. - Makoto
- •Consistently use borderline psychotic names for them.These include anything prefixed or suffixed with "bear", "poo", "baby", "patootie", "boo boo" or "boobie". Should be said in a high pitched hoarder-of-clown-art voice.
- •Talk in their voiceNot only do you provide them with food and shelter, but you also give them a human voice. Which sounds eerily like Forrest Gump if he were a manatee.
- •Compare them to celebrities"This collar totally makes Penny look like Shania Twain"- actual words that came out of my mouth.
- •Ask them the same question over and over again, but with slight variations. As if you're speaking a foreign language to a deaf person."Are you hungry? Who's hungry? Did somebody say they were hungry? Guess who's hungry?"
- •Face licks that quickly turn into mouth to mouth kissesAnd you don't think it's gross. Even after they licked their own buttholes or genitals.
- •Wipe their buttsWhen poop takes a turn for the worst, you give them a helping hand.
- •Smell their pawsDo they smell like corn chips or dirt? Or poop?
- •Change the lyrics to songs so you can serenade them."Penny and the Jets", "All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
- •Sleep in uncomfortable corners and edges of your own bedBecause you want to cuddle with your pack. And their comfort supersedes your desire for deep REM sleep.
- •Cry each time you see a doggie tribute videoBecause the thought of losing them is devastating.