1. Michelle Pfeiffer: $400
    She would probably want more but that's all I can offer at this point in my life
  2. Ron Weasley: 1 Galleon 11 Sickles 8 Knuts
    The equivalent of 8 dollars
  3. Bernie Sanders: $0
    I mean, he's a public servant
  4. My dog: one treat
    He'd let me do it for free, but I must let him know what a good boy he is
  5. The Queen of England: a lifetime in jail
    Because the only way I'm getting to that royal schnoz is by propelling myself toward her with everything I've got
  6. Boy from my 6th grade science class: 3 rocket pops
    I'll find you Greg. I'll find you.
  7. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson: my firstborn
    Bonus: Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson becomes responsible for raising my child