YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE BY SOMEONE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOROSCOPES

  1. ♍️ Virgo ♍️
    Hang on to your money today. Someone will offer you a great deal on a tombstone to put aside for the future, but here's the thing, Virgo: you are immortal. All Virgos are immortal and you are the most immortal out of all of them.
  2. ♎️ Libra ♎️
    Though you may feel like a little garbage can just trying to make it in the world today, there is a good chance 4 different people will try to make you their sugar baby. Keep an open mind! Especially because one of them owns one of those islands in Dubai.
  3. ♏️ Scorpio ♏️
    Is that a crystal ball in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? You have psychic powers today. So go ahead and take a peek at what you're getting for Christmas! Also, go to the racetrack. Don't bet on any horses, though - bet on the racetrack. Trust me.
  4. ♐️ Sagittarius ♐️
    If someone offers to let you captain a deep sea voyage, SAY YES. For the love of God, say yes. The existence of the human race depends on it. Also, you have special athletic abilities today! Go out and crush some bros at disc golf. Show your ex what he's missing.
  5. ♑️ Capricorn ♑️
    Today could either be totally great or totally terrible. Flip a coin before you leave the house. Heads? Stay home, go back to bed. Tails? Find the closest public restroom and dial the first phone number you see. You won't regret it! It is Sarah Jessica Parker's number.
  6. ♒️ Aquarius ♒️
    Pissed someone off lately? Because everyone is mad at you. Carry as many knives as you can as you go about your day. Hide them in your clothes and hair. Kitchen knives, pocket knives, Lego knives - they will all come in handy.
  7. ♓️ Pisces ♓️
    Today is a fabulous day for sharing your thoughts and opinions. Call or text a loved one and tell them one thing you like about them. If they ask why you are being so sweet and thoughtful respond with "it was in the stars, bitch." Also, beware of people wearing sunglasses indoors. Not because of any astrology jazz, but just as a rule.
  8. ♈️ Aries ♈️
    You might be feeling weird vibes today, Aries. Don't let them get to you. Defend yourself by wearing a helmet all day. Encourage other Aries you know to do the same. Knee pads, elbow pads, and roller skates are also helpful. Join the Roller Derby. Call yourself The fAries Godmother.
  9. ♉️ Taurus ♉️
    Be super nice to everyone you talk to today. Tomorrow you will need one of them to help you bury a body. Have that person pick the spot. As you bury the body, a dog will start barking at you. The woman who owns that dog is the sister of your soul mate. Good luck!
  10. ♊️ Gemini ♊️
    Keep your eyes open and your eyes clear, today is the day you find an abandoned Home Depot with all the materials inside to play the greatest game of kickball this world has ever seen. Don't worry about assembling teams. Everyone is already in there, waiting for you.
  11. ♋️ Cancer ♋️
    Tidy your room and dust those chachkies, this evening around 6:30 pm Pope Francis will climb through your window. Don't be alarmed! He's just looking for someone to hang with for a little bit. He needs a break from the stresses of the Papacy and he knows that you, Cancer, are feeling chill as fuck today.
  12. ♌️ Leo ♌️
    Today you may be feeling a little down in the dumps, Leo. But don't worry, this feeling shall pass. The best cure is to go through your contacts and change all their photos to pictures of Mary Kate Olson. If you're feeling especially sad, change all their names to Mary Kate Olson as well.