DON'T COME TO MY PARTIES IF...

  1. You're sick.
    Keep your ass at home. We don't want you in here dapping everybody up and not letting them know beforehand. We don't need you wiping your nose with your hands and touching all the finger foods. You rotten asshole.
  2. I don't know you.
    Don't bring people with you that I don't know without checking with me beforehand. It'll be these motherfuckas that do the dumb shit in the cut. That light up cigarettes in a smoke free home, that spill something, that break something, that steal something.
  3. You bring nothing to the table.
    Don't come in here empty handed eating all the food and drinking all the liquor. It's you cocksuckers that show up with nothing and then want to take a doggie bag or some booze for the road.
  4. You can't handle your liquor.
    I don't want you passing out over here. When it's time to go home, it's time to go home. I don't want you hurling over here. It will take everything in me not to beat your ass.
  5. You can't get babysitting.
    This is an adult party. Don't have your snotty-nosed toddlers in here touching all the food and/or making a mess.
  6. You can't get a dog sitter.
    Leave your filthy animals at the cut, you inconsiderate jackass.