1. I want to have kids, there's no doubt about it.
  2. I've always wanted them. Partly because I've always wanted a family.
  3. But partly because my mom died recently, and I feel like having kids is a way to make sure she lives on forever.
  4. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared shitless about having them.
  5. Especially now that I'm approaching the time I want to start trying to have them.
  6. I'm scared because of all the medical complications that could arise.
  7. I've seen too many movies where mothers die during childbirth, and I don't want to leave my husband alone with a baby.
  8. I'm scared of having miscarriages, and the emotional trauma that will follow.
    Are they very common? I don't know.
  9. I'm scared I'll find out I'm infertile for some reason.
  10. I'm scared of plain being pregnant.
    The nausea, the weight gain. Also the idea of my organs being smushed around is really disturbing.
  11. I'm scared it will make my marriage harder.
    Marriage is hard enough as it is without adding the stress of parenting.
  12. I'm scared of the life changes that will be inevitable.
    Sleepless nights, increased stress, no more fancy restaurants, no more vacations for a while, tons of doctor visits, tons of diapers, worrying about money, schools, baby's health, etc.
  13. I'm scared of how incredibly, indescribably sad I will become, because wanting to be a grandma to my kids is something my mom wanted more than anything.
    We used to talk about how she could help look after my kids, maybe even live with us. Having kids will remind me of what could have been, what I've lost, in a very real, visceral way.
  14. I want children. I feel like I have so much love to give them. I would love them so well. I want to be a mom just like my mom.
  15. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared as fuck.