Top Ten Things I Wish Were Real That I Had Written

  1. Interview with Mariah Carey where she admits to being intimidated by ponies, reveals desire to be NYC mayor.
  2. Profile of guy who has written thousands of Yelp reviews under pseudonyms and secretly guided course of NYC restaurant biz.
  3. Interview with legendary Yankee outfielder who admits that he never knows what inning it is.
  4. Piercing poem that properly conveys the pain of missing your teenaged boy while being proud of his being popular and not needing you.
  5. Deep investigative piece that reveals nobody at McDonald's knows what is in a McFlurry and if one dude loses a piece of paper, they're fucked.
  6. Insider anonymous Deep Throat piece that reveals NSA doesn't understand internet and that Snowden leaks don't matter because they didn't know what it was.
  7. Long interview with Paris Hilton where we just discuss capacitors.
  8. Reported piece on how much NYC venue bouncers hate music and spend days off lying face down in remote fields upstate.
  9. Interview with Kanye where he admits to wearing Dad jeans at home and not really liking techno.
  10. Interview with Marie Kondo where she admits to not knowing where the fuck anything is, and drunkenly kicks me out.