ARE WE EVEN FRIENDS???

New York Times covered a study this week that states that only about HALF of perceived friendships are mutual. After I finished sobbing in a corner, I developed this handy guide to figuring out who your real friends are.
  1. DO I EVEN KNOW YOU?
    Have we ever interacted? I mean pretty basic but sometimes I still think Harry Styles is my friend so it's good to clarify. If we've never interacted with you, we are STRANGERS.
  2. ARE WE EVEN FACEBOOK FRIENDS?
    Facebook friendship basically just assures you aren't a serial killer. Even grandma's on Facebook. If we aren't Facebook friends, we are TWO HUMANS WHO EXIST NEAR EACH OTHER SOMETIMES.
  3. HAVE WE EVEN HUNG OUT?
    Have we planned to interact intentionally while partaking in a shared activity? Plans show you care. If we don't hang out, we are ACQUAINTANCES.
  4. DO I EVEN HAVE YOUR NUMBER?
    If you're only ever planning to hang out in a group / through someone else, they ain't you're friend. If we have each other's numbers, we are FAMILIAR.
  5. DO WE EVEN TEXT?
    Direct communication via the thing that never leaves your side is a pretty solid base line for judgment, but also I can text plenty of bozos. If we text, we are KINDA FRIENDS. I mean like I'll call you my friend to people who don't know you, but if you come up in conversation & I know ur buds with someone else I'm talking to I'll just be real chill about it like, "oh yeah of course I know him". I'm not out here tryna look thirsty.
  6. DO WE EVEN HANG OUT BY OURSELVES?
    If we have intentionally planned to spend secluded time together, we are FRIENDS™. This is the gold standard. Congrats to those of you who do have FRIENDS™.
  7. A note
    Okay, so now we know who our FRIENDS™ are, but inside some of us may have a nagging feeling like, "Sure, I've gotten coffee with Jessica. I know we are FRIENDS™, but sometimes I wonder how good of friends we are. I hear about buds & pals & even besties & fam, what does it all mean?" Don't think I'd leave you hanging (Jessica's can be SUPER confusing), I'm here to help you sort this shit out. I'm here to expose FAKE FRIENDS™! I'm here FOR YOU.
  8. WHERE DO YOU EVEN LIVE?
    Sorry FRIEND™, but if you've never graced my doorway we are FAKE FRIENDS™. Like sure we can hang, but you could still be a serial killer or like collect Guy Fieri posters for all I know.
  9. HAVE WE EVER EVEN GONE ANYWHERE?
    If we have ever spent more than 40 minutes (one-way) to get to another destination, you are more than just a FRIEND™. If we've taken a trip together, we are BUDS.
  10. AM I EVEN ON YOUR INSTA?
    If I don't fit into your aesthetic, do I really fit into your life? If you are willing to brag about our friendship in photographic formatting, we are PALS.
  11. DO YOU EVEN LIKE MY SHIT?
    Support & affirmation are an important part of a good friendship. That extends to my social media presence. If you like my shitty tweets & instas on the reg, we are TRÜ FRIENDS (just like Miley Cyrus sang about).
  12. DO YOU EVEN LIVE HERE?
    If i haven't crashed at your place for a visit, sleepover, or drunken night, we ain't THAT close. If we have spent the night together (non-sexually you pervs), we are BESTIES.
  13. WHO DO YOU EVEN KNOW?
    So we're already pretty tight, but a lot of time things just stay there. If I start meeting people from your other circles, work friends, old friends, FAMILY as a result of the sheer amount of time we spend together, that's a new level. If I have met all your important people, we are FAM.
  14. DO YOU EVEN GOT THIS?
    In a world of Venmo, this is becoming a rarer classification. But if we go out & you cover for me with the reassurance that I will just get you back somewhere down the line, you are really putting your money where your mouth is. If you are willing to cover me, no strings attached but blind trust, we are THE REAL DEAL.