BUT WE NEVER DATED

Inspired by the lovely @sarahgorman who made me feel like less of an alien in the dating world
  1. Warning: v personal stuff coming at you
  2. Also this is a long list
  3. Currently I am 22 & have no dating experience
    Unless we count Josh when I was 15 & we don't because I only said I'd date Josh because he asked at my Halloween party & that seemed like a bad hostess move? Our "relationship" lasted less than a month & all we did was hold hands in the hallway.
  4. Common reactions to above true statement
    "No way", "but you're so cute/pretty/nice adjective", "you're kidding me", "wow you just wait", "the right guy is just around the corner", "how are you putting yourself out there"
  5. I understand those comments are meant to be affirming
  6. But more often than not they just make me feel like something is SERIOUSLY wrong with me
    Okay the caps are a lil dramatic, but you feel me
  7. This is compounded by my "non-dating" history
  8. Which essentially boils down to 3 dudes with whom I had fairly intense "friendships"
  9. Who later ghosted out on me
  10. Let's start with D
    1) using initials because I feel bad calling dudes out entirely 2) this one barely counts because we were in high school AKA idiots, but also I feel like it set the stage for the next 2 guys?
  11. D & I were friends for a few months
  12. Then one night he told me he thought I was cute
  13. We texted for a few more months
  14. He didn't kiss me when he had the chance
    We were on a trip, left alone by a bonfire by a lake (hello SO BEAUTIFUL) but he chose to confess to me that he crashed a jet ski & hadnt owned up to it? So obviously I said he should tell someone which kind of put a damper on the moment
  15. Goodbye D
    Homeboy ghosted on me
  16. Next year I sit next to his friend in math
  17. His friend keeps saying we should date
    Comments about it on the daily
  18. This was not based in anything D had told his friend
  19. But I assumed it was
    You are in the future so you know how this ends *cue sigh*
  20. I send a 4 page long text about him being hard to read
  21. I'm incredibly embarassed
  22. Because I shouldn't be so emotional
  23. Because he told me he liked me
  24. But we never dated
  25. Then there was A
  26. Met A towards the end of my freshmen year of college
  27. Mostly hung out in groups
  28. But we hung out every day
    We had a standing dinner time of 6pm, went to a church service together every Sunday night, sat together in chapel (Probably important to add I went to a Christian college so those last two made sense)
  29. He'd hold my hand, put his arm around me, & do other cutesy, coupley things
    Always always as a "joke" (side note: I could make a whole list about how flirting with someone being a joke is always a bad idea & mean even unintentionally)
  30. Texted all summer
    (Note: the cultural understanding of serious vs non serious texting is probably lost on me & someone should write a manual)
  31. Starting spending more time alone together
    & because of this + small school people now would ask me daily if we were dating yet
  32. He would call me to tell me about his day if we didn't see each other
    In my experience phone calls are reserved for relatives, significant others, & customer service
  33. He started making new friends
    He joined a fraternity & started hanging with guys who were "cooler" than him. & by cooler I mean they hung out with the girls A would admire from afar.
  34. Went as each other's dates to frat/sorority functions
  35. We were both on campus over fall break
  36. He blew me off to hang out with his other friends
  37. Asked him in a very no pressure way to go with me to my sorority's Christmas social
  38. He NEVER RESPONDED
    We're still friends, but I'm still pissed about this because he never apologized for this or ever brought it up again
  39. so here I am feeling like suddenly I'm not good enough to date because his cooler new friends don't think I'm cool
  40. But we never dated
  41. So I really shouldn't be so upset about it
  42. Last up is Z
  43. Met Z because I was one of his orientation leaders
    I was a sophomore NO WORRIES not an overly large age difference
  44. Fast forward a few months
  45. I see him eating in the cafeteria
  46. He calls me over & asks what classes I'm registered for next semester
  47. He tells me he's going to take intro to family studies so we can have a class together
    He's a very outgoing, goofy guy so I assume that he is joking
  48. He actually does it
  49. He would bring me juice to class
    This started as an inside joke but was actually really cute & sweet?
  50. We start hanging out all the time outside of class
    In between classes, middle of the night, during chapel etc.
  51. Things fizzle with the girl he has been talking to
  52. Spend all summer texting/emailing/ snap chatting
    So many modes of communication
  53. Takes me to a movie night with his RA friends
    I mention this because it felt VERY date-y. He brought me around & introduced me to everyone & then we left early to walk together?
  54. Starts to "get busy"
    Also joined a frat that didn't normally associate with my sorority (wow that sounds stupid but you know what IT WAS STUPID)
  55. By the end of the semester he isn't even saying hi to me anymore when he sees me
    & I tried to mend things friendship-wise. Made him a card, tried to bring him cheesecake to a desk shift, other previous jokes/ white flags waved.
  56. I'm upset
  57. But we never dated
  58. So I don't know how to talk about it
  59. I feel stifled & silly for talking about it because when I lay it out it seems so in my head because there were no labels or hook ups or anything
  60. But now I feel apprehensive to start talking to other guys
  61. Because I have to be coming on too strong since I've scared away FRIENDS after I start to like them a bit
  62. Obviously (in my mind) there is some reason for why I'm unable to attract &/or maintain male relationships
  63. (Which can very easily turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy)
  64. Even though these experiences have had a significant impact on how I interpret my other relationships
  65. I feel closed off from getting any "closure" because asking any of these dudes about it seems WAY too vulnerable because I'm now convinced that I made up every part of our relationship
  66. This is definitely way better suited for a therapy session than a list
  67. But I guess I'm just curious if this a more common modern phenomenon than I realize?
  68. Does the elongated phase of "talking" without being intentional set us up to disappoint people?
  69. This is essentially just trying to validate my own emotions
  70. Which I shouldn't feel the need to because I definitely felt how I felt
  71. But that's a can of worms probably best saved for another time 🙃
  72. Thank you for reading my emotional word vomit in list form goodbye forever