JOBS I'M ACTUALLY QUALIFIED FOR*

*except probably not even. ** the job search is breaking my spirit guys
  1. One Direction Tabloid Fact Checker
    Essentially it just involves a very dedicated Google search, but I do have strong writing skills & 3+ years of experience
  2. Social Unskills Trainer
    For girls who seem to attract dudes like flies, let me bestow some of my intuition & practice onto you! Over ten years experience (tbh didn't have great luck in elementary either, but that gets to a creepy place)
  3. Personal Facebook Management Assistant
    I will monitor & edit your posting for you so you come across as A)Funny, B) Moderately successful, C) Not a bigot, & D) Not too liberal for your family. 4 years experience!
  4. Micro scale App Marketing
    "have you heard of the List App?" - me whenever there is a lull in conversation
  5. Voice Talent of a Wildly Unpopular Podcast
    Partially because my voice is grating. Also because my interests are far too varied. Mostly because I always laugh at my own jokes.
  6. Part Time Life Coach
    PRO: you don't have to pay for my benefits CON: I get you really excited on starting to fix your life & then don't follow through with you. RESUME: a life time of half-assing it.