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  1. Tried to get on Jimmy Fallon
    Sent this to my husband also, because our dog is hilarious/adorable
  2. Self explanatory
  3. Possibly the most successful day I've ever had with my Fitbit
    Both met my goal and took 250 steps EVERY HOUR
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All of these were said by me in a sad but successful attempt to impress a boy. We are happily married to this day.
  1. "This guy that writes erotic romance novels had a book signing at the bookstore where I work."
    Why would this be okay to say EVER, let alone on a first date??
  2. "Have you seen the movie 'IT?' You know, the one about the evil clown?"
    I have no idea how this came up.
  3. My entire worst date story (too long & detailed to pick out one good quote)
    Obviously to let him know that our date was going extremely well
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  1. Do you ever get the urge to make commentary while you're giving the massage?
    Things like "you have really nice calves" or "your shoulders are pretty effing tight right now."
  2. Do you ever sneak a peek at what the person's face looks like from the other side of the head rest?
    I imagine it's something like this: 🤓
  3. How do you know that if you loosen my IT band, it will help my shoulder pain?
    I mean, I'm sure you learned it in school, but it's still awesome.
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  1. "Didn't work for me, Dale Carnegie!"
  2. "If you can eat pizza and also have sex with someone, that's someone you can love."
  3. "I'm sorry if you base your love life around astrology. It's all absolute nonsense."
    "It is bollocks, though, isn't it? I'm really sorry."
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And then you eat them and you're like, what have I done?
  1. Yogurt covered pretzels
    Most of the time they're sub par but you still keep eating them until you feel sick.
  2. Flaming Hot Cheetos
    Fantastic until you run out of Mountain Dew and your steering wheel is covered in orange dust.
  3. Trail mix
    Is anyone ever satisfied by a shit ton of nuts that you have to dig through to find the M&Ms?
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